Struggling to cope

[JLCParticipant]

I’m sorry this is a long post, the most important bit is in bold if you can’t read all of it.

Hi,

I have had OCD since I was a teenager, but it got so much better to the point that I didn’t even consider myself to have it anymore. I had a lot of other difficulties though, and have been diagnosed with a myriad of other conditions since then. I was referred for inpatient psychoanalytic treatment for issues unrelated to OCD last year, and completed the programme towards the end of last year. Since being discharged, my OCD has come back in a horrific way, like nothing I have ever experienced before, to the point that I am beginning to wonder whether this is even OCD anymore.

A lot of my teenage OCD was around harm-related intrusive thoughts, and also compulsive checking. I would worry I would hurt my family in my sleep, and would hide sharp objects from myself. I would have to check my family were breathing several times a night, not allowing myself to sleep until I was satisfied they were ok. I would spend ages rearranging shoes in the hallway, in case anyone slipped on them, but it would often not feel ‘right’. I would worry about losing control and stabbing someone if I went out to dinner with someone, and there was cutlery on the table. My therapist in the inpatient treatment seemed very interested in my teenage OCD, and asked lots of questions about it. I said to him that in everything I had read about OCD, it said not to attach any meaning to the thoughts, but that I wasn’t sure that this was right, that there was no meaning in any of it. And he said something like, ‘there is meaning in everything’ which didn’t bother me at the time, because we were talking about something in the past, but now that the OCD has come back, it feels horrible and confusing. Much later in the treatment, he told me that I did want to hurt my family (even though I insisted I didn’t, and these thoughts caused me so much distress) and that I had at times in the therapy wanted to hurt him too. (He actually used stronger words than this, but I can’t even write them).

Since coming out of inpatient treatment, my mental health has just spiralled, I could no longer care for myself and had to go and stay with my parents. Then the old OCD worries about hurting them started up again and I just spiralled out of control. I ended up going to A&E on Boxing Day and then was put under the home treatment team who prescribed me new medications, including an anti-psychotic which they said was for sleep, but which I am now really paranoid about.

I am now back at home living on my own. The OCD has now gone completely out of control. I worry I will hurt someone in the street. I can’t go out after it gets dark as I worry I will hurt someone in the dark. I can’t walk down quiet streets in case I hurt someone. I can’t have people in my flat because I worry I will lose control and hurt them. Today I feel like I can’t even go out in the day because I might hurt someone, but I have a GP appointment later which I need to leave the flat for. I’m scared of being in a room 1:1 with someone. Yesterday I held a door open for someone and my brain convinced me I had hurt her. I had to be up early today to ring the doctors and couldn’t get back to sleep afterwards, and now I’m panicking I will hurt someone because I am tired and might not be in my ‘right mind’. My checking OCD is out of control, I can’t use my oven anymore so am spending a fortune on pre-prepared food I don’t have to cook. I panic about not eating enough and that I will die in my sleep if I don’t eat enough. I can’t eat proper meals anymore. My brain tells me I have overdosed on my medication when I haven’t. I can’t trust what I can see out of my eyes anymore. At this point, I don’t even know if this is OCD or not.

I have just this week started outpatient treatment at the same hospital I did inpatient treatment. I have had one group therapy session (they do not offer individual sessions in outpatient) where I spoke about what I was experiencing regarding the harm OCD, and was told by the therapist that it related to my anger at being discharged from the inpatient treatment and being on my own again as I had a good experience in inpatient treatment (this is true, I did have a good experience in inpatient treatment, I felt safer and more cared for than I have ever felt in my life). I’m not sure what to think about this, that the return and increased severity of my harm OCD is related to anger at being discharged from inpatient treatment. She also kept saying that it was ok to be angry, and to feel so angry you want to hurt people and that I seemed to think it was unacceptable to even have these thoughts (which I do.) I have read in several places that psychoanalytic treatment is not recommended for OCD, but this group treatment I will be doing is psychoanalytic. I don’t really have any other options at the moment and don’t want to withdraw from the programme, but I am concerned that 1) it will not address the immediate issues I am having with practically getting around and doing things and being able to look after myself and 2) it could potentially make the OCD worse.

I’m sorry this is so long, I just don’t know where to go from here, and in the meantime every waking moment is unbearable. I am currently trying to work out how I can leave my flat with these thoughts, as I have several things I need to do today, but my brain is telling me I didn’t get enough sleep so I might hurt someone, or that even leaving the flat might mean I hurt someone. I have reached out to my mental health team, the Samaritans and the OCD Action helpline (I am waiting for a call back which I have been told could be 2 weeks). No professionals seem to be taking what I’m experiencing seriously and I am struggling to get support despite being connected in with mental health services. I just don’t know how to keep going like this.

[Forum Moderators]

Hi

We want you to know that you can also contact the OCD Action Helpline and Email Service to talk to or email someone who understands OCD.

Our Helpline volunteers provide confidential and unbiased help, information and support for people with OCD (and their family members too). Most volunteers have personal experience of OCD; all understand OCD and how it can impact a family’s life.

Contact our Helpline by:

• phone: 0300 636 5478 (this is a UK number).
• email: support@ocdaction.org.uk

You can also find out about support groups on our website – these are open to people with OCD and some involve family members too. They offer a safe place where you can talk openly about OCD and support and encourage other people too. Our information about UK-based groups can be found here:

• Local independent support groups: https://ocdaction.org.uk/i-need-support/local-support/
• OCD Action Skype/Phone/Zoom support groups: https://ocdaction.org.uk/i-need-support/ocd-action-skype-phone-zoom-support-groups/

If you don’t live in the UK, you can look for groups near you on the International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) website. Look in the section “Find Help” and then under “Listing Types”, choose “Support Groups”: https://iocdf.org/

And please remember that you’re never alone – OCD Action is always here to help and support you.

Regards,

Forum Moderators

[FoxesandPenguinsParticipant]

First off, your inpatient therapist sounds like he knows nothing about OCD. It seems your current therapist doesn’t understand it either. I really commiserate with you because I know just how damaging it can be to have a therapist that actually doesn’t get where your problems stem from and thus actually makes things worse.

From personal experience, and from all the research I’ve done on websites about OCD, your (and my) intrusive thoughts are so distressing and hard to dismiss purely because they are what you fear doing the most. You clearly care a lot about people, and therefore, despite how overwhelming the fear is, I can tell that there is no way you would ever hurt someone like that.

Your current therapist doesn’t understand OCD at all, this is why she thinks these thoughts are brought up because she assumes you are angry and want to hurt him. From my perspective, the perspective of someone whose had OCD since she was 8, it is very clear that the reason these thoughts have come back full-force is because he has accused you of actually wanting to hurt people. Because this thought it so distressing to you, the antithesis to who you really are, your OCD has reared its head again.

My advice would be to start interacting with people again slowly, don’t push yourself too fast. You won’t hurt anyone – please carry with you that one stranger on the internet knows this with absolute certainty and believes in you.

In your current therapy group, the only thing I can think of is to not discuss your fear of hurting people and instead try to discuss other things. It seems counter-intuitive, but might be your only option because clearly the advice given for your OCD is not helpful.

My partner used to have awful OCD and is now okay thanks to joining an OCD counselling group at his work (he worked with heavy machinery and was terrified that he would hurt someone with it). This group was really useful as it stressed that your OCD thoughts are just thoughts that remain with you because they are so distressing, they are not your actions, and they are not who you really are. I am wondering if one of the telephone groups with OCD action might be similarly useful, so if possible maybe you should join one? I am thinking I will do the same as the reason I am on here is because my OCD is completely overwhelming me!

If you need to talk/reassurance, genuinely I am here for you. Also, I will stress to keep going, to not give up hope and to be kind to yourself. I have had appalling OCD flareups in the past, and these have eventually gone (I am also reminding myself of this, given that my OCD is going haywire rn due to lots of irl stress and lack of sleep!). It may seem as if there is no way forward from this, but things will change – they got better for you before and they will again. If possible, try to distract yourself as much as possible, perhaps listen to music or an audiobook when you are out and about to stop yourself getting caught up in your fear.

In any case, I hope you are doing better than you were when you wrote this. Sending you my very best of wishes over the internet!

[Author]

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