Please please can someone help me, I’m at the end of my rope

[Ocdocdocd9Participant]

Hi there,

I’d really appreciate some help if that’s possible.

I have suffered from ocd since being a child, around age 7. I first had intrusive thoughts of my arm falling off, then sexual ones about family members. As you can imagine at such a young age this was shocking and scary but somehow I got through it. I also had thoughts about harming children younger than me, sexually  and violently. Then it kind of went away til the age of 14 when my brother was telling me about serial killers and it’s like a light bulb went off and I had to see a psychiatrist because I couldn’t get out of bed or anything with such bad bad thoughts. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD and put me on medication which helped.

Fast forward a few years and I got drunk at a friend’s house at a bad time in my life, very very drunk. She went to the shop and I don’t know how long she was gone but it can’t have been very long as the shop was just around the corner. Then I blacked out. 2 days later I woke up with a surge of panic, extreme panic, I had a thought that I had touched her children inappropriately. It makes me sick to think of still to this day. I didn’t know what to do, I thought I’d better confess, so I did, then I thought yes but what if it’s ocd, I’ve just confessed to something untrue. So I took it back and then started feeling guilty about taking it back incase I definitely did do it. I spoke to my friend and she said I was great with the kids before they went to bed. I had no memory of that. My friend was actually extremely understanding, everyone around me told me I didn’t do anything. They said it’s not in my nature. But what if I did? What if I actually did? But why would I? I don’t find children attractive. I don’t even want to be near them anymore. This night was years ago but for some reason something has triggered the thought again all these years later and now I can’t let it go. I got therapy over it and got put on new meds and with time I was able to put the thought at the back of my mind. But as I say, recently something has clicked in my mind and I cannot get over it.

 

Can someone please please help me. Am I evil? Am I just trying to duck out of going to jail? Surely if I’d hurt the kids they’d have said something to their mum. But maybe they were too young to know. Or maybe they stayed asleep. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should just end it all, I’ll never know either way so the only thing that will quiet the thoughts is death.

 

 

[klukeyParticipant]

When l started reading your post, my first thought was “who’s published info about me!?” I cant empathise with you enough. I was about 10 years old when my OCD kicked in. I remember suddenly becoming aware of my breathing, and became obsessed with it, along the lines of “what if l stop myself breathing, what if l make a total fool if myself”?

I’ve had this ever since, but can manage it better. Where l absolutely 💯 share your intrusive thoughts is surrounding harming children and disabled people. My mum had MS and spent most of her adult life in a wheelchair.  Around 1988, l was prepping lunch for her, and was cutting open a bun for ham and tomato. I had a sudden surge of fear, thinking “what if l take this knife and kill mum”? I was almost physically sick with the panic, and truly thought l was going insane. As it flared up, I then starting obsessing about my nieces and nephews, again “what if l sexually assault them and other loved ones”?

Just awful. But the reason I replied is, you are by no means alone. Something like 80% of the population suffer from various levels of OCD and intrusive thoughts. We are all here to support each other.

Hope this helps

 

 

[Ocdocdocd9ParticipantParticipant]

Hi, thank you so so much for your reply! I truly appreciate you taking the time to reply.

 

That sounds awful and I can totally relate, I’ve had so many thoughts of stabbing, hurting, doing whatever else to people. I once was convinced I murdered someone and put their body under my bed. I looked under my bed and nothing was there and I STILL thought I’d done it.

But what if my memory isn’t a false memory? What if it’s a real memory? I read about real memory ocd and now I’m convinced it isn’t a false memory but a real one that I just can’t accept. I’m falling to bits in my mind with this thought. I’m so close to just ending it all.

 

Are you on medication? Sorry don’t mean to be nosy I’m just wondering if you are managing your thoughts at the moment.

[klukeyParticipant]

Hi

Yes, I am currently on setraline (previously paroxetine).

I remember going out with a girlfriend few decades back, we had a huge argument and split up. I stormed out of her flat and went home. In the middle of that night, l woke in an absolute terror thinking I’d killed her and stuffed the body under her bed. It kept me awake all night. This was in the days before mobile phones, so l couldnt text in the hope of a reply. It was only the following afternoon when she phoned my house to see how l was that l could drop the intrusive thoughts.

The key to all this is about self management of your thoughts with professional psychological support.

Unlike physical illness there is no cure, but can be managed. I’m 64 years old, and as l say, first experienced OCD as a wee boy.

And am still here!

[Author]

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