I’m back again

[Choking on flowersParticipant]

Hello. I haven’t posted in this forum for a long time. I believe my last post was back in 2021?

Lately, I’m not doing so well. Living with ocd has been a constant uphill and downhill battle for the past couple of years. I’ve cycled through many themes: Pedophilia, incest, harm, zoophilia, rape, all of it. My current one is Relationship ocd, where I fear my partner may have assaulted me even though they haven’t done anything I would constitute as assault. No matter how much I analyze our interactions, I don’t find anything concrete, yet my mind wants to convince me that there is and that I must cut them off immediately.

I don’t expect to hear back from anyone, but I just wanted to come on here and say that, for whatever reason, I feel just as scared as I did at the beginning of my ocd journey. I can’t stop crying. I’ve recently had a conversation with my partner about my feelings towards our relationship, and I 100% believe they have my best interest at heart and would never do anything to hurt me. But even as I type this, the doubt keeps creeping in the back of my head. It’s even worse now because they are currently away on a trip. I won’t be seeing them for a month, and every day I’m left to overanalyze whether I really miss them or if my love is performative and I actually want to break up. What will happen to us by the time they come back? What if they are actually abusing me and I just don’t recognize it as abuse? What if one day something happens and I choose to break up with them? What if we can never be close ever again? These are the questions that keep coming up and worrying me most. This is a person who means the world to me, and I would never want to let them go from my life.

I don’t want any reassurance. As I’ve said, I don’t expect anyone to respond. I only came here because, truth be told, I do miss the community this forum once had. I made a few friends on here, but I’ve since lost contact with them. I want to listen to other people’s experiences. I just don’t want to feel alone for once.

[Forum Moderators]

Hi:

We’re sorry you haven’t had many replies to yet and we want you to know that OCD Action offers other types of support for you.

You can contact the OCD Action Helpline and Email Service to talk to or email someone who understands OCD.

Our Helpline volunteers provide confidential information and support for people with OCD. Most volunteers have personal experience of OCD; all understand how it can impact your life. Contact our Helpline by:

• phone: 0300 636 5478
• email: support@ocdaction.orguk

Support groups for people with OCD offer a safe place where you can talk openly about OCD and support other people. Read information about UK-based groups here:

• Local independent support groups: https://ocdaction.org.uk/i-need-support/local-support/
• OCD Action Skype/Phone/Zoom support groups: https://ocdaction.org.uk/i-need-support/ocd-action-skype-phone-zoom-support-groups/

If you don’t live in the UK, look for groups near you on the International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) website. Under “Find Help”, choose “Listing Types”, then “Support Groups”: https://iocdf.org/

And please remember that you’re never alone – OCD Action is here to support you.

Forum Moderators

[CaseyVParticipant]

This illness is awful, I’m sorry you’re dealing with it too. I also do the thing of second guessing whether I “really” love my loved ones or maybe I’m just pretending and lying to myself, even though I’d have no reason to do that and it doesn’t make sense. I always feel more off-kilter when I’m away from my partner/family as well. Anyway, I just wanted to respond, I know it’s really late and you might not see this but I came here hoping to feel a bit less alone too.

[Author]

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