Hello. I haven’t posted in this forum for a long time. I believe my last post was back in 2021?
Lately, I’m not doing so well. Living with ocd has been a constant uphill and downhill battle for the past couple of years. I’ve cycled through many themes: Pedophilia, incest, harm, zoophilia, rape, all of it. My current one is Relationship ocd, where I fear my partner may have assaulted me even though they haven’t done anything I would constitute as assault. No matter how much I analyze our interactions, I don’t find anything concrete, yet my mind wants to convince me that there is and that I must cut them off immediately.
I don’t expect to hear back from anyone, but I just wanted to come on here and say that, for whatever reason, I feel just as scared as I did at the beginning of my ocd journey. I can’t stop crying. I’ve recently had a conversation with my partner about my feelings towards our relationship, and I 100% believe they have my best interest at heart and would never do anything to hurt me. But even as I type this, the doubt keeps creeping in the back of my head. It’s even worse now because they are currently away on a trip. I won’t be seeing them for a month, and every day I’m left to overanalyze whether I really miss them or if my love is performative and I actually want to break up. What will happen to us by the time they come back? What if they are actually abusing me and I just don’t recognize it as abuse? What if one day something happens and I choose to break up with them? What if we can never be close ever again? These are the questions that keep coming up and worrying me most. This is a person who means the world to me, and I would never want to let them go from my life.
I don’t want any reassurance. As I’ve said, I don’t expect anyone to respond. I only came here because, truth be told, I do miss the community this forum once had. I made a few friends on here, but I’ve since lost contact with them. I want to listen to other people’s experiences. I just don’t want to feel alone for once.
