I have been a sufferer of intrusive thoughts for 30 years now and have never been worse. I’m now a 55 year old menopausal woman who is struggling so much. My fears in the past have gone from fear of driving,due to running someone over,to fearing myself around children or animals,in case I act inappropriately,which I would never want to do but have such strong compulsions,fearing lack of control and having constant ruminations and self doubt. My latest fear is now based on the internet,with the constant fear that I’m going to search for inappropriate content. I was doing fairly well on the whole,however I’m constantly trying to avoid any devices or computers. The other day I actually started to gain more confidence again and went on my phone,looking at Tik Tok and generally scrolling, I then decided to put the word child in the google search,just to check that nothing inappropriate would come up. I know that this sounds bizarre but I just wanted proof that if you put the word child in nothing would come up. I know that just typing the word child does not mean that I’ve done anything bad…but my OCD has gone off the scale and I’m constantly panicking and beating myself up for even thinking of the word child,and I’m just ruminating constantly about what if? What if I deep down wanted something to come up? I’m just in a real mess..can anyone relate?
