Post partum OCD?

[AngeleyesUKParticipant]

Hi,

I had my lovely little boy 5 months ago, and for the last 4 months I have been suffering with what I think is postpartum OCD but I just wanted to ask others their view?

So I came home with my baby, everything was fine and happy.

And then, I had an intrusive image when we were out of someone sexually harming him.    Obviously this disturbed me somewhat and I spent a lot of time going over it and crying.    My hubby said, no one came near you.    Then it seemed to progress…

An image of me being the one to harm him in this way.      Then it went to I couldn’t change his nappy without intrusive thoughts such as r***e coming into mind.     The same when I happened to lean over him to dress him.   And from then on its just been relentless on this theme.

I feel like I have failed as a new first time mum, disgusted and hateful of myself.    I feel like I have spoiled the whole thing of us having this joy coming into our lives which didn’t come easy as I experienced a miscarriage the time before.

The weirdest thing is how now after these thoughts it feels like I have contaminated my son I don’t know how that can be but that’s how it feels.

I’ve felt like I have been in a very dark place mentally and felt like I don’t deserve anything or deserve to live a normal life.

One hard thing is how the images seem real enough where I am questioning was it fake or real? I know deep down I would never ever hurt my baby or any other child.    It’s killing me inside.  I am in tears most days and very depressed over this and hating myself.

I have seen my GP about this and am waiting to see a psychiatric nurse.     GP has diagnosed Postnatal natal depression but I am sure there is some OCD in this.

Any advice?

 

[Forum Moderators]

Hi:

Forum moderators here; we’re sorry you haven’t had many replies yet. Please don’t take this personally or ever think you’re alone. It may just be that forum users are taking a bit of  time to consider how to reply and support you.

And please remember that you can also contact the OCD Action Helpline to talk to or email someone who understands OCD.

Our Helpline volunteers provide confidential help, information and support for people with OCD (and anyone who thinks they may have OCD). Most volunteers have personal experience of OCD; all understand how it can impact your entire life. Contact our Helpline by:

• phone: 0300 636 5478 (this is a UK number).
• email: support@ocdaction.org.uk

And please remember that you’re never alone – OCD Action is always here to help and support you.

Best wishes,

Forum Moderators

[Ocdocdocd9Participant]

Hi there,

 

First of all congrats on your new addition. Please please don’t hate yourself or feel bad, this is extremely common. Your hormones will be all over the place with having a new baby and I think that’s the perfect breeding ground for ocd. Especially this type of ocd. I also experience harm/sexual thoughts with children. It makes me sick to my stomach but I’m telling you now…. You will not, nor have you ever hurt your child. The fact these thoughts make you feel like s**t just tells me and everyone else that it’s so against your character and nature and you would never ever do any of this. I know these thoughts are disgusting, believe me, I went through a stage of avoiding kids altogether as I was scared I’d harm them. The best way to handle this is to try to ignore the thoughts, try your hardest not to pay them any attention. Ocd thrives on your reaction and your uncertainty. If you don’t pay the thoughts any mine, they will get better.

 

I totally feel for you, I wish I could give you a hug. You have not and will never harm your baby. Believe me. Please let me know how you are doing.

[AngeleyesUKParticipantParticipant]

Thank you for your reply, it’s really bad me very depressed and feeling like I have messed up as a first time mum.     I know deep down I’d never hurt him, but each day OCD seems to make me guilty as if I’ve either done something or would.  It’s an horrendous feeling.   It seems no matter how much I reason with myself nothing works and it’s like living in a constant state of fear.

My husband keeps telling me look he’s a happy boy and he loves you, the proof is there in front of you, the way he looks at you, the way he feels safe enough to sleep on you for example.   It just doesn’t convince me somehow.

Hugs back xx

 

[Ocdocdocd9Participant]

Oh my lovely, that’s just so typical of ocd. It’s trying to destroy your relationship with your baby. It will try it with everything. It will try to ruin everything in your life. Whatever matters to you the most it will try to destroy. It’s literally like a devil.

 

Your husband is right, the proof is there in front of you, but this doesn’t help or convince us does it? I know this all too well. What I can say is the fact you are so disturbed by these thoughts just proves to me you would never do any of them. Try hang on to that thought until you can get an appointment with someone about what’s going on.

 

You aren’t alone. Remember that. If you need to talk I’m here anytime. Xx

[AngeleyesUKParticipantParticipant]

It’s so odd, at first I felt that happiness as I brought him home from hospital.    Enjoyed people being introduced to him.   Then wham an intrusive thought and image occurred and it seemed to escalate from there.    Sort of each image seeming a bit more vile than the last one.     

I end up just arguing mentally with myself and trying to convince myself but OCD won’t let you be convinced which is frustrating.     I just end up depressed and in tears.  I feel like it’s robbing me of the enjoyment I should be having with him right now.     It really hurts inside cos I love him to bits.

Hopefully I can get some therapy which will help xx

[Ocdocdocd9Participant]

May I ask if you’ve ever has intrusive thoughts before your son came along?

All I can say is that you are not your thoughts. Ocd is an illness, a terrible one at that, if you wanted to do these things.. you wouldn’t be posting about them on here. You’d be busy doing them and not giving a damn. I hope that can slightly reassure you.

OCD has just latched into you in a time where you are  most vulnerable, a new mum, hormones all over. It’s some sort of chemical thing I think. The best way for you to combat it is to face it head on… Change your babies nappy, pick your baby up, cuddle him. Pay the thoughts as little attention as possible. As I say, you are not alone so please don’t feel like you are.

I’m here for you xx

[AngeleyesUKParticipantParticipant]

I have had anxiety and some OCD tendancies before I got pregnant.   So I’m assuming it’s just flared up quite badly afterwards.     I have read there is a perinatal OCD which can be around the harm of the baby in different forms including the one I am struggling with.

Very true, I wouldn’t be posting about it if I really wanted to do anything of this kind.   Like I was told once, it’s not like your enjoying it or getting off on the thoughts.     They are disturbing you, which as you say, show how against you as a person they are.    The fact that it’s distressing shows how much you care.

I just don’t know what I have to do to make my brain feel convinced.     I have read tho that trying to prove your innocence mentally actually feeds the ocd.   Perhaps it does.    The really hard thing is the uncertainty and not having the certainty that OCD wants from you.     The ironic thing is you already know you wouldn’t have done these things, yet there is a need to gain absolute certainty.

[Ocdocdocd9Participant]

Yep, the more you try to prove the thoughts wrong, the more power it gets. Because you are thinking about it, you are cooperating with it. The best thing you can do is just try to ignore it or distract yourself until the thoughts go away. Even if it’s for 5 minutes.

Isn’t it funny, I can advise you all this yet I can’t do any of it myself. I know what to do yet I can’t do it. Ocd is the most evil, horrid thing in the world and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I think once your hormones settle, you’ll find that it gets better. At stressful times in our lives or lifechanging times in our lives ocd seems to rear it’s ugly head. It thrives on uncertainty.

One thing is for certain, you love your boy and he loves you. I hope I’m helping you a little xx

[AngeleyesUKParticipantParticipant]

Thank you, I think it helps just being able to talk to someone so I appreciate your input.

I know it’s really strange isn’t it how we know this stuff but it’s so hard to put into practice ourselves.

Indeed OCD is hell mentally, and even more difficult because people that are non OCD sufferer’s can’t understand why you’re like you are.

I’ve literally given myself headaches from all of this obsessive thinking.

One thing I find hard is, so you know it’s OCD, but something says but is it? Probably OCD yet again causing that question xx

[Ocdocdocd9Participant]

That’s definitely ocd, telling us but is it really or but what if it isn’t?? That’s the main thing ocd does and is why we can’t get over it so to speak. Rest assured, it’s ocd. This forum is the best place you can be my lovely xxx

[AngeleyesUKParticipantParticipant]

I struggle with feeling so depressed over the fact that I could even think these thoughts.  Especially when it feels like I am the one that is a danger to him and could harm him.    Id never hurt him, he means the world to me and my hubby.    It feels like I messed up and spoiled things now.    I get so fed up feeling miserable instead of being able to fully enjoy seeing my son develop.

[Ocdocdocd9Participant]

Do you want me to DM you? How R you today?

[AngeleyesUKParticipantParticipant]

Hi, yes you are welcome to DM me, I tried to buy clicking on your name but it wouldn’t do anything so don’t know if I was doing it right or not.      I just feel tired and down most days.

[Ocdocdocd9Participant]

I can’t dm you either, perhaps it’s not allowed 🙁 oh lovey I know how horrible and depressing it is. I’m currently struggling with false memory ocd. I blacked out years ago at my friend’s and the next day I was okay but the day after that I woke up with this surge of panic and guilt that I’d touched her kids while she was at the shop. It literally woke me up from my sleep. I think. It’s all a bit foggy. But I remember being an absolute state. Surely I didn’t do it? Why would I? I don’t find minors attractive, I find it disgusting. I can’t cope. Sorry about this message I do hope it doesn’t trigger you x

[AngeleyesUKParticipantParticipant]

Oh that’s a shame we can’t DM.

Its agonising isn’t it, you know you wouldn’t and question why would I? It’s not the person I am etc but the OCD makes you doubt yourself.

I think mine has false memory, cos I saw an image of me harming my baby and then worry if it actually happened (even tho I know it didn’t).    Then it evolves into other images and thoughts and just gets worse and you just end up mentally arguing with yourself.   Then become exhausted and depressed 😔

[Ocdocdocd9Participant]

Oh god, I’d say at least u know u didn’t do it, I can’t even say I know I didn’t. Because I don’t know. Because my mind tells me how can I know for sure when I was so drunk? Please no matter how hard it gets… Don’t turn to drink. It’ll make it a MILLION times worse. And the worst thing is, I can’t just put the thought to one side because then my mind tells me I’m evil for letting it go and not being in pain forever from committing the act. Do you know what I mean? It’s absolutely terrible x

[AngeleyesUKParticipantParticipant]

The problem for me though is even tho I know I wouldn’t have done it, my mind still questions it, did you? Was it real or not? How do you know it wasn’t true? So in a way I don’t get an answer either to whether it happened or not if that makes sense? Every day I feel like I have done something wrong, I keep trying to convince myself I didn’t but it never works.   I try to go on with my life but I feel like again I’m guilty of something and undeserving of anything so makes life feel awkward.

[Ocdocdocd9Participant]

I understand totally. I’m the same. I feel like I can’t go on with my life knowing I’ve done something so terrible. Even though I don’t know. If that makes sense. It just ruins everything in your life. I think the best way to try get around it is just to try let the thoughts pass, try your best not to interact with them. When you get a thought, think of something else. A pink elephant, or a blue monkey lol. Anything, just to change your thought pattern. Then eventually I think the thoughts might fade in time. I’m yet to try this myself but I’m going to give it a go. As I say, if you were such a terrible person like your horrid ocd is making out, you wouldn’t be posting about it on here. You’d be busy doing the horrible stuff it’s accusing you of. But you’re not, you’re in bits on an ocd forum. You’re suffering with a mental illness at a time in your life when you should be joyous. That’s how ocd works. It’s the most debilitating thing! But we’re all here for you and each other on this forum. All us ocd sufferers are here for each other xx

[AngeleyesUKParticipantParticipant]

Yes that definitely makes sense.   I feel the same, like I can’t continue in life feeling as though I have done something terrible.      Simple things like going out somewhere makes me think like “but how can you go out because of this” or planning a holiday “but how can you go on holiday because of this” it really makes you feel trapped and unable to see a way out of it.    There must be a way out of it though.

[Ocdocdocd9Participant]

Yes there must be, surely. Are you on medication? I take meds and they’ve helped up until now, it’s strange I don’t know why it’s happening again all of a sudden x

[AngeleyesUKParticipantParticipant]

I am taking venlafaxine, but still feeling depressed and anxious.      I think OCD flares at some points in our lives for some reason.    I think mine has since I had my long awaited baby.    I was so happy to begin with, now I’ve had these thoughts and images I feel horrible and miserable all the time.

[Ocdocdocd9Participant]

Yes it defo does do that! It sneaks up on us when we least expect it. It’s just horrendous. I’d try get an app with your doctor and see what they can recommend. I’m on Escitalopram and Seroquel and they do help most of the time. I’d give you my email address so we could email but if I post it everyone will see 🤣 I need to try find how I can dm you it. X

[AngeleyesUKParticipantParticipant]

It sure does and I find each time the image or thought appears it seems much worse in its content.     I don’t know if you do, but when I get thoughts it makes me feel irritable, like I’m angry at the fact I’ve had the thought.    I seem to spend everyday trying to find a way out of this but never seem to.     Maybe that is also feeding the ocd.    Everyday having the same argument with myself did it happen or didn’t it? But logically I know it didn’t it’s so bizarre.   I hear that arguing with the thoughts also feeds it.   So hard not to when you feel your brain accusing you of what you haven’t done.   So exhausting as well.

 

[Ocdocdocd9Participant]

Yes I understand, I get mad too. I’m like, why am I getting these thoughts? Why me? What have I done to deserve this? But as i say, logically I don’t know if I’ve done it because I was so drunk. The only glimmer of hope I have is that it would be bizarre for me to have done it when I’m attracted to men! And it would be so risky too when their mum just went to the shop round the corner. And I find it disgusting. So that’s what I hold onto. But everytime we think of any of this we’re just feeding it giving it ammunition. Xx

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