Can anyone relate to avoidance with a partner

[broadhurst1Participant]

Hi, I wonder if anyone can help me please my current ex partner had expressed some concerns to me that he kept getting thoughts in his head that he can’t control. Previously he would get a thought in his head about something little, not always to do with the relationship and tell me he didn’t want to be with me but would always call me a couple of days layer. The first time it happened I was panicking and then over time I just gave him his space. The relationship in its self was great; we never argued, he’s just get something in his head and fall out with me over the phone. He told me at the time that when he’s in that mind set the best thing to do was give him his space as no matter what anyone did he couldn’t think differently. He is diagnosed with ocd and body dismorfia and on medication.Sertaline to be exact. Before the was diagnosed and in a bad place that resulted in him not being able to leave the house for a long time and then resulted with him being hospitalised. However he is also the kind of person who won’t speak to anyone about anything so I know previously refused cbt.

Anyway a few weeks ago I could tell something was going on as he was just not acting himself. I ended up in hospital and his reaction to this was to block me and say he couldn’t be in a relationship. He’s 30+ and due to current circumstances staying with his parent. I spoke to them who said he’s been horrible with them but are aware they don’t speak so refused to do anything. They said they’ve never even looked into his cbt and just said he has issues. He was saying things that were simply not true, and completely did a 180 on the person he normally is. so as I thought best to rely facts and said I’ll give him his space. We’ve barely had any contact and when we have it’s just been him avoiding anything, saying he’ll return my things on such a date but then actually not doing it. I know in his past he has had a lot of issues with his ocd and he explained that since he got on the meds he’s been so much better.

Tbh I forget half the time he even has it. But since this I’ve been trying to make sense of this behaviour so turned to trusted old chat gbt and a pharmacist friend who explained about the crisis’s. I just don’t know what I can do in this situation, if they ever subside and if anything I can do will help. I’m confused as to why he doesn’t want contact yet won’t return the things I’m contacting about, and just very confused in general as I know this isn’t him. I can’t speak with his parents as they have said they don’t speak to him and they have issues them selves and I know he also isolated himself from others.
Can anybody please advise of they have experienced anything similar before.

[pinklionParticipant]

I am in a similar situation at the moment.  My partner ended things in a panic 6 weeks ago and I have also been relying on ChatGPT not finding support anywhere else. I decided to give him space and go silent.  I am not ignoring him because he hadn’t tried to reach out. He left a load of things at mine and didn’t rush to collect them, they are still here.  He is probably avoiding returning your things because he doesn’t want to finalise ending things. My partner has Harm OCD. Could yours have this too? Sometimes they don’t want to tell you the thoughts when they are violent, especially if the thoughts are about you. If it is Harm OCD he could think he is protecting you and the hospital thing could have triggered him. Or it could be Relationship OCD but you might have noticed more previous issues with that.

[broadhurst1ParticipantParticipant]

<p style=”text-align: right;”>Hey, thanks for replying back. Possibly, he does train in martial arts and I know he has got a temper. We’re 9 weeks break up now and 5 weeks no contact. He dropped my things off finally without seeing me and in a safe place of mine because I got his parents involved. He’s a lot going on. I haven’t initiated contact in 5 weeks now. I can’t diagnosis him but he most Definitely looks like he has some fearful avoident issues. I’ve left him too it and I didn’t even respond when he dropped my things off. The last text I sent him was about his things in which I offered him to come and look for them, contact my mother direct as he thought things were there too and to reimburse him, told him he could look round mine whenever he need to collect them with out me there to which he then said he couldn’t be bothered. So I still have his things and his sons.  But yeah I never replied to his last message or to when he dropped them off. I’ve given up. It’s so hard everyone sits there and says it’s not your fault and you deserve better and we’re like yes I know. But for me I think it’s just the not knowing if he will be in contact or not. How are you finding it?</p>

[pinklionParticipant]

The not knowing is the worst. With harm ocd it is often people who are highly unlikely to want to cause harm who suffer with it. My partner was very clear and said he still loved me but he was trying to protect us both by not being together. It is definitely the OCD that has broken us up. Apparently if the partner is very attached then once the fear subsides the attachment comes back. That’s what I am hoping for but who knows what will happen! I think all you can do is live your life. It is so hard. I have been living my life like he is a soldier away at war who will come back. The hardest thing has been family and friends judging it like a normal breakup and telling me he is treating me badly and I should move on.

[broadhurst1ParticipantParticipant]

I know that is so frustrating, they think it’s a normal breakup. If they cheated or something it’s easier to get over. They’ll day before this happened he was telling me how much he loved me and that he wanted to look at houses, and thank you for being so understanding of him. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. Him coming into my house too, I don’t think he did it maliciously he did it on impulse. But he never gave a reason for the break up. I told him he couldn’t gas light me but the only thing he did say in a email about his things were, we weren’t good together. Like I said we never really even argued.

 

honestly I don’t know… it’s hard when we’ve never been in this situation and only have AI to go off 😂 I’m glad you’re holding up though 🙂

[pinklionParticipant]

Honestly there is so little support for partners unless it is contamination OCD it seems. My son has that type and it is a different ball game I think. What I did do was get ChatGPT to help me write a letter and I posted it. One thing I reminded him of was that he was always enough for me. There is a lot of shame with OCD and guilt. I kept it very low pressure. If the OCD is telling him that you are “danger” as in a trigger then he will try to avoid you. So I have been working on not giving OCD any reason to see me as danger. Basically the wrong contact and questions and pressure will retrigger and reset the clock. ChatGPT (who I am never sure whether to believe!) tells me it could be 6-10 weeks before the fear subsides and any new pressure risks resetting the clock.

[broadhurst1ParticipantParticipant]

I did exactly the same in the early stages and nothing. I don’t know if he ever read it but I now know in that moment for him he wouldn’t be able to take it in anyway. With the odd emails back and forth he never commented or disagreed with anything I said his last text which I didn’t respond to was about him dropping my things off and he said so you don’t need to message me again. So I didn’t. A few days later he randomly blocked that contact too even though I hadn’t contacted him again.

 

you do need to move on though. We don’t know if they will or won’t come back, and mental health or not it’s no excuse to hurt someone and if he realises he will take the course that he needs to, to be healthier. Moving on doesn’t mean dating. It just means you becoming better and healthier without him. If he does come back, and yous till want him, bonus. If not then you’ve healed x

[pinklionParticipant]

Yes it is so difficult. I stopped drinking alcohol to make sure I don’t send emotional texts. That has done me a lot of good so bonus side effect!

[broadhurst1ParticipantParticipant]

You sound like you’re not blaming yourself though which is really good. 🙂 delete this number if you can and stay strong x

[broadhurst1ParticipantParticipant]

Just checking in. I hope you had a lovely Christmas. How are you holding up?

[pinklionParticipant]

Sorry only just seen your reply. I am still struggling on. I asked him just before Christmas if he could give me some idea what was happening and said could he let me know if it was definitely over or if he needed more space and time which I was willing to give. I got a full on rant back which didn’t make much sense and he said consider it over. But then started backtracking saying we could still be friends and that he still loved me. I said I wasn’t looking for friendship and cut contact. Then New Year’s Eve he thought I was out of town and was in one of our shared places. I had changed my plans and he didn’t hear about it. So we bumped into each other. He looked flat and emotionless. It was obvious he is in emotional shutdown. I did not approach him but he stopped me and asked how how I was in a robot voice. I said ok and carried on walking because I didn’t want to trigger his threat response. A couple of days later I messaged him and said I had accepted the relationship was over and I believed we should never revisit it, and I would think about whether I could just be friends. He then messaged to say let’s just see what happens and started talking about how the last episode had seemed hard to come back from. So backtracking again. He asked how I was and started adding kisses to messages again but when I replied he went quiet again. The last message I sent him I said I knew it could take months for him to work things through and that I had only said I didn’t want to revisit the relationship because I thought it was easier for him to have a clean break. He hearted that one. Now I have just gone no contact again. Apparently he is really struggling. I don’t know what to think. He has not sent any horrible messages since he saw me. He is trying not to upset me which is an improvement.

[pinklionParticipant]

How are you getting on?

[broadhurst1ParticipantParticipant]

Gosh that sounds a lot. Youve just got to keep strong you’re doing the right thing.

I’ve not heard a peep, no one has seen him on dating sites at least, but we have no mutual friends and I haven’t reached out. I’m still blocked. But I wouldn’t reach out, I don’t want him to be able to hurt me again. I mean I’m not even worth a sorry…. And we’re the ones upset about them. I’m worth more than that

[pinklionParticipant]

I am sorry, I know it is really hard.

[broadhurst1ParticipantParticipant]

It is what it is, I’m actually fine even considering dating again.

[pinklionParticipant]

Ah that’s good. His family are still being supportive and I am still too attached to consider moving on.

[broadhurst1ParticipantParticipant]

Yeah I’ve heard nothing. But regardless of mental health people don’t have a right to disregard your feelings and not be accountable. You’ve been in contact so it will be harder for you. But no he knows I cared, he knows he hurt me and he doesn’t want to fix it so his loss

[Forum Moderators]

Hello:

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