I go through the same obsessions every day that have stuck with me for years. They are just always there. It feels like this heavy list of crimes I’ve committed that are all thought and feeling-based hanging over me every day. I also have had bizarre moral OCD-type and OCD thoughts that I feel uncomfortable disclosing to my therapist. My OCD has cruelly convinced me that I made up psychological abuse I’ve endured and that I fake my emotions and am a manipulative person. It’s colored my memories from when I was abused and it’s extremely painful and uncomfortable. Even if all of this stuff is OCD just messing with my head, I am so pained by the feeling that my OCD is telling the truth that I wish I was dead. It feels so lonely to struggle with something that has affected me this way. I’m scared medicine won’t fix it. I hate that I have to live with this terrifying disorder and that I’ve had to experience it at all. I try to tell myself that God understands OCD and this is all just in my head. I just wish I didn’t have to think anything at all and could actually feel there was quiet in my mind.
