Wedding day story

[Loki1987Participant]

So I have had really bad ocd in the past, pure o, I don’t want to put what it was but I got over it ten years ago after 3 years of hell. (I used ERP)

I have still always had ocd but it’s been very mild, I don’t like people hearing my conversations which annoys my wife, but I freeze up and get anxious.

10 days ago I was triggered into the worst ocd cycle of my life, me and my wife have been together for ten years and we have a good relationship, on our wedding day ten days ago, we had a small tiff about photos and she went in a mood with Me, I had drank more than ever in my life as I was accepting drinks from everyone, I went outside by myself and vented about our arguement, I’m pretty sure I said some awful things about her to myself while I was drunk, but after my minute vent I went back in and had a great night.

I didn’t realise till the next day that I had a recorder on me for 8 hours from the videographer who will have my entire vent on an audio recorder, the anxiety hit me like crazy, what did I say? How awful was I? Will I end up in the papers or going viral? My mind has been twisting the moment into me saying the most horrific things, (I told my wife as we get along so well she doesn’t mind)

But I’m in a spiral of doubt, trying to recollect, will the videographer think I’m an awful person? Will he even hear it? I can’t cope and it may sound crazy to some people but this is the worst I’ve ever felt in my life, I love my wife and my guilt is unbearable, I cant sleep or eat I feel like I wish I wasn’t here atm, and this should be the happiest week of my life?

Am I awful for venting to myself, I know I swore a lot to myself but I’m not sure what I thought or said, I can’t distinguish as I was so drunk. I’m not a big drinker but I will never drink again as having a clouded memory with that recorder on has ruined me.

Thanks any advice.

[Loki1987ParticipantParticipant]

It’s exactly like my ocd from ten years ago, my wife says most people would just let it go, but I’m repeating constabtly, coming up with new things and then dismissing them and then back around again. Did I say that or did I think it? I’ve even driven a long way back to the venue to try and retrace my steps but I cant remember, will the videographer listen to 8 hours of audio, what if my wife divorces me already if I said something so bad, I don’t know what to think. It’s so scary having a blank memory when you know you’ve been saying awful things to yourself drunk but being recorded. I keep filling in the blanks with terrible things, believing I said that and then thinking I didn’t, or did I? This anxiety is so bad.

[Loki1987ParticipantParticipant]

I’d just like to add I know for a fact that I was speaking quietly but angrily to myself, I think so anyway but then again maybe I was just thinking but not speaking. I have no idea to discern between thought and speech. I love my wife so this is so messed up.

[ArchiveParticipant]

Hi,  You may actually be the only one concerned… Everyone will have been recorded. To be fair, it really is no one else’s business.  And if your partner sees it, well, everyone had been drinking, and that will mean that you get to do some making up… Enjoy!

Wannabe

[Loki1987ParticipantParticipant]

Thanks @wannabefree, it’s more the not knowing that’s driving me crazy, I keep getting snippets from my rant and thinking nah I didn’t say that, or did I, I guess I have gone back to the what if, scenario, I hope I didn’t say some of the things I think I did but I cant know for sure. 

I Was having panic attacks about it last night, I feel so guilty.

Thanks for your comment : )

[ArchiveParticipant]

Maybe it might be a good idea to just let go of it… If you wish, write it all out like an essay, and bury it on your computer. No one else needs to see it, but what you will have done is externalised it, so it doesn’t take up so much space in your thoughts… Cos, it is highly likely nothing will come of it anyway… If you ever get to see the recording, it is probably nowhere near as bad as you are trying to remember. We tend to do something called ‘Catastrophisation’.  There is a book by doctor David Burns MD about what catastrophisation actually is.  But once it is written out of your system, it will most likely fade away on it’s own.

Wannabe

[Loki1987ParticipantParticipant]

Thanks @wannabefree I will do that

: )

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