Real Event OCD & Every OCD in Between

[MU1999Participant]

I’ve lived with OCD ever since I can remember. Well about since I was 5 or 6 and I am now mid 40’s.

It started off with obsessions about germs. I was constantly washing my hands until they bled. I got into trouble at school as my draw was full of pencils as I thought they were contaminated and would not touch them again.

Then as I hit early teens, I had religious intrusive thoughts about sins I may have committed and  little white lies I had told and was convinced I was going to hell. We had a family friend who was deeply religious and I think my OCD brain latched on to this. I started confessing things to my Mum. Thinking as I had confessed, I would be okay. Then as with OCD I thought of something else bad I had done and the temporary relief would be gone and I would have to confess again. This seems silly to me today looking back as I’m not a particularly religious person now.

As I hit my early teens my OCD then moved on to violent intrusive thoughts. I saw the movie ‘Silence of the Lambs’ and this sent me into a spiral of Intrusive Thoughts. Constant thoughts of harming people, harming friends and family that made it worse. This made me think about what would people think if they knew the sort of thoughts I had and was having about them! Around this time, I used to fantasize about being locked up. At least if I was locked up I could not hurt anyone. Having violent visual and horrible worded voices and thoughts in my head I thought I was going crazy.

There was no internet in the 1980’s and you had no idea people had the same thing. You just thought you were crazy and should be locked up. When I read in a problem page in a red top newspaper and someone wrote in about the same sort of thoughts I had and the reply to the letter mentioned OCD. This was a revelation. I sort help through my local doctors and waited many months to see a therapist. When I got to see a therapist, I got a temporary relief after every appointment. It gave me some respite from the 24 hours of intrusive thoughts, but it was a long journey as I spent many years in and out of therapy. I often think how did we survive without the access to information like we have now and knowing people have the same experiences and you are not alone. How did we survive before recent times without this knowledge and understanding of these mental health issues.

As I hit late teens this turned into violent sexual thoughts including POCD. This stayed with me until early-mid 30’s. Again, it is all about what would people think of me if they knew I had these thought.  Every now and again I still get the thoughts of course, it is OCD! but they do not bother me as much.

I feel like I have had every type of OCD. As I have got older it has got better and I have periods of feeling okay, but OCD is always waiting for you every now and again. Like that song I guess “Hello darkness, my old friend, I’ve come to talk to you again…”

What I still struggle on now from time to time is what sometimes seems like a not so well-known type of  OCD ‘Real Event.’ To me I suppose every other type of OCD is based on things that are not real. Real event OCD is based on things that have happened.  Which to me makes it more difficult to beat.   I’ve made many mistakes in my life, regrets and at times made a fool of myself. Like everyone else when growing up I guess. I don’t think about an event for years then it pops in my head. Then it gets  stuck in my head for hours, days and maybe weeks.  I suppose normal people have these instant thoughts about past mistakes but go out of their head. But for people with OCD this isn’t possible.

I have a deep regret about a particular incident while I was at college in my late teens. I had the opportunity at the time to say a ‘heartfelt’ sorry a few weeks later and all seemed forgiven. But OCD latched onto this particular incident for years. On and off it bothered me. Again what would people think of me if they knew this about me. Would they think of me as a nice person? This shows how mad OCD is, I actually bumped into the person I thought I had wronged a few years back. They greeted me like a long-lost friend! I couldn’t believe it and even connected with me on social media. I check every now and again t9o make sure we are connected on social media. Even now my OCD is still questioning this incident, which is what I’m suffering with thinking about today.  I constantly think through the incident, re-living the incident trying to remember every detail and convince myself I’m not a bad person.

Over the years when things popped into my head I confessed to people. When I was younger my Mum. Now I’m older my wife and at times I pushed things to the limit, wives don’t want to hear about things from a boy’s past!  So now I try and break the cycle by not confessing.  To make the occurrences less and less.  I read about this method online.  Most of the time it works, and it goes away I’m very pleased to say. Sometimes it goes away quicker than others.  But by writing this post is this some sort of confessional ritual to try and relieve the OCD and ruminating. I hate this doubting disease.

I find OCD always attacks at worse time, when you feel happy and it’s like. Nope you can’t be happy, think about this…

I heard the brilliant Bryony Gordon on a podcast the other day who wrote the amazing book ‘Mad Girl’. Which I highly recommend for anyone who has suffered with OCD and particularly intrusive thoughts to read. Anyway she said she was told by a doctor she should have been “Hospitalized” back in the day. Looking back as I had the same experiences of severe OCD as she did, I think how did I survive that and should I have been hospitalized as well.

I guess I have come a long way from when I was young. From having intrusive thoughts from when I got up in the morning to when I went to bed, to only suffering periods of OCD every now and again.  I’m very lucky compared to a lot of people out there.

I  sometimes have moments of self-pity, thinking what would my life have been like if I had not had OCD. I guess we all have that.

I guess the theme for me throughout my life with OCD is questioning am I good person? Do I deserve to be loved and the great people I have around me.   Do these thoughts and past actions mean ‘I’m not a good Person?’…

[tommy812Participant]

Thanks for your reply and answers to what I said. Growing up in the 90s I was just made out to be a bad child. I remember being at church. Being forced to being baptised because they thought I had the devil in me. And one time they did an exorcist on me. The whole time I was laughing.then I just broke out in to tears. They thought the devil was gone. I renounced god a year later.

I think I have wronged so many people. As I got ill. People just seemed to just ignore me. I mean people I thought were close friends would do stuff with out me. Like going to house parties and telling oh I am busy that night. Then seeing on facebook that they went out. Also they did a group holiday.
then as I got worse all contact stopped. The last time I spoke to my best friend was in 2017. He told me he was going to be a dad. And I told him bluntly that I believe you should not have a child out of wedlock. Like I said I renounced god when I was younger. That was ten years ago. He is still friends with my younger sister and mum. So I still check up on him every now and again. I miss him. We had such a laugh. But at the time I was obsessed with the Catholic Church. Super intensed. Got it in to my head that I was a catholic.

I think in general I had always been jealous of him. He had a new gf every year. He slept around. But he knew if I did not like his current gf by the way I had my back up. If they said something to me that I did not agree with or say anything about me to my face he new what to do.

with the sexual thoughts I find it to intense. I went from the age of 13 till 2019 having sexual thoughts about and around women. Like really intense. Were most men discreetly check out a women I was not so discreet. I would just stare not discreet at all. Like I would all ways make sure I was at the same place as this women I fanced. She all way wore ultra short skirts. I would pick the same place every time to watch her sit with her legs open. Then that would just play on my mind. I think she knew I enjoyed it as she never reacted to me. I obsessed over it. I would get my gf at the time to do it to me in public and at home. I also thought I might have a problem. As I was paying sex cam workers to do the same as weltelling a doctor a couple weeks ago about being a sex addict. And porn addict. She asked have I ever viewed cp. never that’s messed up.

I might order the book you said about.

I am forever bringing up things from the past.and family just mood and agree.

I currently am in a mental health hospital as I tryed to commit suicide. Hopefully getting out next weekend. I hope. I finally feel that I can open up I think.

it would be nice to continue chatting to you.

like how you managed friends and female relationships. And how you managed to find your soul mate who you married. I got more questions than answers.

Tom

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