OCD? Bad person? What are your thoughts?

[onesaddawgParticipant]

Hi,

This is going to be a long one but any advice is appreciated. I’m a 26f diagnosed with ADHD and depression. I’ve been in a bit of a crisis recently and I’ve been to A and E and am now seeing a psychiatrist once a week. I am now taking atomoxetine for ADHD, 40mg citalopram and 0.5mg Clonazepam. I haven’t consumed alcohol since I was 19 and I’ve never consumed recreational drugs. My mental health issues noticeably began when I was around 15 and it started when I was physically sick with a bad cold or something and I took a few days off school. I’d always been a sensitive person and I was stressed with GCSEs. I started overthinking everything and feeling loads of guilt about not being the nicest person at school and I felt terrible. I was thinking and thinking and I remembered a memory of when I was around 9 years old and I ( content edited by moderator) female cousin. And I was in a lot of distress and was referred to CAMHS. I isolated myself a lot from people but managed to pull myself together and do well in my exams and by the time I got through the waiting list with CAMHS I was doing a lot better mentally and they weren’t much help anyway. I did have intrusive thoughts about children which led to a lot of avoidance. Not hard as kids weren’t really in my life. I completed my A-levels. After A-levels were over, I had no plans. The shop I worked in for 2 years whilst studying shut down and I was out on my own after a naive upbringing with no plans and no direction. I met my first boyfriend and that was stressful for me as he was a big character and I wasn’t used to having male attention and he did love bomb me. He was very driven and ambitious (now a doctor). I started to compare myself to him and feel like I wasn’t good enough for him and I’d talk about his bad traits with friends. Even though I was completely obsessed with him. I also got a lot of intrusive thoughts about cheating on him and was so scared of doing it. When alcohol was involved and even when it wasn’t sometimes, I’d become convinced that I’d kissed one of our male friends. I asked and I didn’t. I felt so much guilt that I was going to cheat even though I didn’t want to. One night, I was convinced that I was raped by him. Even though I wasn’t, I kind of internalized that I had been and told a couple of people in a way that sounded like I had. This was not me thinking I was lying by the way. Then when I realized that it hadn’t happened, I felt absolutely horrible about myself. Even more so than I already did. I also lost a job that I had for about a month due to poor time keeping, which really upset me. I started to worry that I was abusive to him and I quickly just became very depressed. The memory of my cousin came back and I started getting loads of memories of other cases of molestation. Not knowing what’s true and what isn’t. I fell into a severe depression, convinced I would do something again, and doctors didnt know what to do with me and I was put in early intervention for psychosis. I got a job in a kid’s shop at this time (this was actually before the molestation thoughts came back, it was by no means a deliberate choice). I had all sorts of dark thoughts. I tried to take an overdose on paracetamol at this time. I kind of got naturally better, early intervention in psychosis was very little help and I never saw a psychiatrist and I basically discharged myself. I kind of got on with my life until recently. I’ve moved around the country doing a minimum wage job for the same company for many years. I’ve had problems throughout, all intrusive thoughts around kids so I avoid them, I’m very jealous and insecure and compare myself to others endlessly. I take photos of myself and my body constantly and I can get very obsessed with people romantically that aren’t available to me and have maladaptive daydreaming about them. Not celebrities by the way: people in my real life.I would also talk for hours with my ex about work situations and interactions with people. I started stealing things from shops and money from my work maybe 2 years ago. It started from self hatred for not doing better with my life, not checking payslips and was convinced I’d been underpaid by my work. It was my way of making myself feel better bc I felt so stupid for giving too much of myself to my work. I don’t think I’m a kleptomaniac though as I’ve stopped now with no help. I have such low self-esteem. I thought ADHD was my problem and poured all my efforts into getting diagnosed, which sadly took years. Anyway, fast forward to a couple of months ago, I left my job of many years to focus on my education: a practical course equivalent to A-levels. I’d been weaning myself off anti-depressants during this time, having gone from 40mg citalopram to 10mg in the space of a few months. This job was so comfortable and easy for me and I was definitely institutionalized. So anyway I left to focus on the course with the plan to hopefully find job related to the course after a couple of months. However the course got hard and I was overwhelmed and we had a teacher who was incompetent. I had a particular assignment that really started stressing me out and my brain started to fog and I convinced myself I couldn’t do it and wouldn’t engage with it at all. I also started getting upset with the practical side of the course because I’m uncoordinated and struggle more than the others, believing I might be dyspraxic. I started to feel dumb and useless and just became convinced that I’ve wasted my life and basically became deeply depressed and would ring my friend everyday just saying how much of a failure I am etc. I had to drop out of my course as I was in such a state everyday and I increased my meds back up to 20mg. I just got worse and worse due to having so much time to overthink and had an assessment at the psychiatric unit near me. I’d called 111 and I’d been in distress and I also stole my friend’s sleeping pills with the intention of overdosing. Things went from bad to worse in the past few weeks though. It started when I was walking along a beach with my friend and I was going to jump on a jellyfish. I thought it was dead. My friend was like ‘ I think it’s still alive’ and I didn’t jump on it. But the next day, I walked along a different beach on my own and had thoughts to hurt a jellyfish. I don’t know if I did that or not. But this triggered all the molestation thoughts, instead from the time I was 18. I’ve remembered all these things that I did during this time, convinced I was severely depressed. I remember (content edited by moderators)  myself in the store behind the tills and at a first floor window when kids were below in the next door neighbour’s garden at my gran’s house. I was in such a dark place that I became convinced that I needed to (content edited by moderators) to give me the confidence to commit suicide. My memory is that I went to the corner of the store whilst (content edited by moderators) after their mother left the store. Details have become blurred and I don’t know to what degree all of this happened, the more I think the more I add. I’m worried I touched the kid. I’m desperately suicidal right now. I wonder what other actions I did. I feel like a monster. I also have recollections of other events at the time like when my friend and I were in her bedroom and she was drunk, wearing a skirt and lying back on her bed. I’m worried I (content edited by moderators) and I’m also worried when I was drunk (this was the last night I ever drank alcohol). Some memories are stronger than others and I was very mentally ill at the time. I’m most concerned about the the kid one. These weren’t all things I’ve just remembered now by the way, they were things I was aware of at the time but I guess I either repressed or decided to take with a pinch of salt or I don’t know. But this recent depressive episode has brought it all up and I cannot stop thinking. I feel like the most messed up person in the world. I have had intrusive thoughts around kids for years. I also take a lot of pictures of myself/look in the mirror a lot. I’m a big over thinker and experience limerence a lot (just things I thought I should mention). Any thoughts/recommendations/advice would be appreciated. If you want to ask any further questions, please do. Thanks if you got this far.

[Forum Moderators]

Hello:

We’d like to help as it sounds as if you’re having a very difficult time coping with OCD – we’re concerned that you mention thoughts of suicide. If you ever have thoughts of ending your life, you can call the Samaritans, who are always there to support you.

Samaritan volunteers answer each email that comes through to jo@samaritans.org.

It may take several days to receive a reply by email. If you need someone straight away, you can call them on 116 123 any time day or night.

You can also talk to (or email) our OCD Action Helpline about what you’re going through. Our Helpline provides confidential support for people with OCD. Most volunteers have personal experience of OCD; all understand how it can impact your entire life. Contact our Helpline by:

-phone: 0300 636 5478

– email: support@ocdaction.org.uk

Also please see this page on our website for details about getting Immediate Support https://ocdaction.org.uk/extra-support/https://ocdaction.org.uk/extra-support/

Just please remember you’re never alone; our forum members and OCD Action are here to support you.

Forum Moderators

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