Not coping

[gemzi3Participant]

this.

(The Situation)

I’m aware I’m in a severe OCD flare-up involving “Harm OCD” and “Hyper-Responsibility.”
A few days ago (Sunday morning), I was driving on a rural road, rushing and speeding slightly.

I noticed birds flying very low and felt a flash of worry. I checked my mirror, didn’t see or hear anything, and kept going.

The issue is an hour later, I drove back and I made the mental note to check that bit of road –  and that’s when I saw a dead bird at the kerb in the exact area where I’d seen them flying low. That can’t be a coincidence.

The Obsession:

My brain is convinced that because I was “rushing,” I must have hit the bird and didn’t realize it. I am trapped in a loop of “Emotional Reasoning”: I feel guilty, therefore I must be guilty. The “coincidence” of seeing the hazard (low birds) and then the result (dead bird) feels like a smoking gun to my brain, even though I know of other cars passed in that window, but not that many.

The Evidence/Compulsions:

• Checking: I have checked my car (a white Tesla) multiple times. It is fine—no blood, no feathers, no waxy smears but I didn’t check it until about an hour later so it doesn’t really help.

• Researching: I found a local Facebook post and I asked if anyone saw anything. A person replied and said he saw two beheaded birds in that area, one being the one I saw and another being a road I wasn’t on.

• Looping: I’ve been stuck in a loop of trying to “solve” the physics and the timeline to prove my innocence, but the “what if” won’t stop.

I find it way too unlikely to worry about low flying birds and then to see one. That can’t be coincidence.

The Current Crisis:

I am physically ill with guilt. My husband doesn’t understand the OCD loop; he has been trying online also getting very frustrated. I’m not eating or sleeping properly.

I spoke to my GP and the referred me to the local hospital to be accessed by some mental health nurses. They were lovely and have said they will refer me to a psychiatrist, I don’t know how long that will take.

The main issue I’m struggling with:

Has anyone else struggled with this “coincidence” trap? How do you stop the “Detective” in your head from trying to solve?

I just need to hear from people who understand that because I can’t prove it wasn’t me, I feel so plauged with guilt and if I’ve killed a bird I don’t feel like I deserve to feel happy. Especially because I was rushing it would be my fault and I can’t see a way to forgive that.

for me it’s one thing to accidentally hit an animal – I am aware they can run infront of cars etc and swerving etc can bedangerous.
but that isn’t what I mean and I can’t find anything similar to what I’m trying to explain.

because I WAS rushing and also NOTICED a threat (but not enough to have heard a noise or stopped the car) I must have been rushing so so much and too distracted to not have noticed the pigeon being hit and this is the part I loop over and over and over and I can’t eat or function because of this part.

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