Not coping

[gemzi3Participant]

this.

(The Situation)

I’m aware I’m in a severe OCD flare-up involving “Harm OCD” and “Hyper-Responsibility.”
A few days ago (Sunday morning), I was driving on a rural road, rushing and speeding slightly.

I noticed birds flying very low and felt a flash of worry. I checked my mirror, didn’t see or hear anything, and kept going.

The issue is an hour later, I drove back and I made the mental note to check that bit of road –  and that’s when I saw a dead bird at the kerb in the exact area where I’d seen them flying low. That can’t be a coincidence.

The Obsession:

My brain is convinced that because I was “rushing,” I must have hit the bird and didn’t realize it. I am trapped in a loop of “Emotional Reasoning”: I feel guilty, therefore I must be guilty. The “coincidence” of seeing the hazard (low birds) and then the result (dead bird) feels like a smoking gun to my brain, even though I know of other cars passed in that window, but not that many.

The Evidence/Compulsions:

• Checking: I have checked my car (a white Tesla) multiple times. It is fine—no blood, no feathers, no waxy smears but I didn’t check it until about an hour later so it doesn’t really help.

• Researching: I found a local Facebook post and I asked if anyone saw anything. A person replied and said he saw two beheaded birds in that area, one being the one I saw and another being a road I wasn’t on.

• Looping: I’ve been stuck in a loop of trying to “solve” the physics and the timeline to prove my innocence, but the “what if” won’t stop.

I find it way too unlikely to worry about low flying birds and then to see one. That can’t be coincidence.

The Current Crisis:

I am physically ill with guilt. My husband doesn’t understand the OCD loop; he has been trying online also getting very frustrated. I’m not eating or sleeping properly.

I spoke to my GP and the referred me to the local hospital to be accessed by some mental health nurses. They were lovely and have said they will refer me to a psychiatrist, I don’t know how long that will take.

The main issue I’m struggling with:

Has anyone else struggled with this “coincidence” trap? How do you stop the “Detective” in your head from trying to solve?

I just need to hear from people who understand that because I can’t prove it wasn’t me, I feel so plauged with guilt and if I’ve killed a bird I don’t feel like I deserve to feel happy. Especially because I was rushing it would be my fault and I can’t see a way to forgive that.

for me it’s one thing to accidentally hit an animal – I am aware they can run infront of cars etc and swerving etc can bedangerous.
but that isn’t what I mean and I can’t find anything similar to what I’m trying to explain.

because I WAS rushing and also NOTICED a threat (but not enough to have heard a noise or stopped the car) I must have been rushing so so much and too distracted to not have noticed the pigeon being hit and this is the part I loop over and over and over and I can’t eat or function because of this part.

[Forum Moderators]

Hi:

Forum moderators here; we’re sorry you haven’t had many replies yet. Please don’t take this personally or ever think you’re alone. It may just be that forum users are taking a bit of  time to consider how to reply and support you.

And please remember that you can also contact the OCD Action Helpline to talk to or email someone who understands OCD.

Our Helpline volunteers provide confidential help, information and support for people with OCD (and anyone who thinks they may have OCD). Most volunteers have personal experience of OCD; all understand how it can impact your entire life. Contact our Helpline by:

• phone: 0300 636 5478 (this is a UK number).
• email: support@ocdaction.org.uk

And please remember that you’re never alone – OCD Action is always here to help and support you.

Best wishes,

Forum Moderators

[Ocdocdocd9Participant]

Hi, in my experience the only way to quieten the thoughts and detective type behaviour is to just let the thought sit. Don’t try to solve it, don’t pay the thought any attention. I know this is extremely hard, I’m dealing with this at the moment and it isn’t working but it has done in the past. It sounds as though you are consumed with guilt over the fact you may have hit a bird without realising. All I can say is the fact you are so torn up about it just proves you are a good person and it’s just your mind trying to F you over. That’s what OCD does, that’s it’s job. Even if you did hit a bird, these things can’t be helped sometimes. You didn’t do it in purpose, if you did you wouldn’t be bothered about it and posting on an ocd forum. Do you see what I mean? A person who purposefully hit a bird would not care to post on a forum. Your mind is just trying to hurt you, the devil (ocd) is trying to make you feel Terrible. I call it the devil because it’s like having a devil on your shoulder isn’t it? Please stay safe and be kind to yourself xx

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