Becoming disabled partners “hands”

[misc_carerParticipant]

My wife has severe contamination OCD and I can see how much it is destroying her. She  became disabled after two serious Covid infections and now relies on me to help with washing, bathroom trips and I do all of the housework. I didn’t take too well at the beginning of her condition and wasn’t a particularly supportive partner however I think I’ve improved with my willingness to help and support her and try to understand her needs both with OCD and just in general.

Because of her conditions she needs physical help whilst on the toilet, and this has now become the root of a lot of arguments. I have to participate in cleaning myself and wearing gloves because I am her hands and assist her at the sink, on the toilet, and with the cleanup et cetera. Her health means she can pass out/faint so needs observing but this has now developed into her needing reassurance that she hasn’t touched the wrong thing in the wrong order and made herself “dirty”.
She has a complex infection which she does need to be very careful with regarding urine and stools, but she doesn’t know where the safe line is so if anything goes wrong it’s a lengthy cleanup which regularly takes us all night to complete. I’ve had to go to work on two hours or less and she feels terribly guilty about it. And now really can understand how locked in she must feel and that she really is just a passenger without control.

the main reason of this post is to just get some advice on what to do to create a more healthy dynamic between us both. She does need physical care but everything I’ve read about reassurance and engaging in compulsions is usually not encouraged. When I make mistakes with cleanup/assistance it triggers her more and she gets angry and scared. It’s seriously breaking the relationship and I don’t know what to do. Any advice for setting healthy boundaries that are in line with my role as a carer and making sure she is still supported in that respect but without being as involved with the cleaning rituals.
thanks

 

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