I can go through many examples of how OCD has perhaps (can’t state) played a part in my life. From avoiding being transported to a new dimension by carefully moving around objects to having a selfish thought which left me believing I had murdered. It’s been a complex journey which has only been made clear with time. 

While believing I was responsible for the death of my grandma there was nothing that could prove to me otherwise. The only thing that stopped me confessing was not having the right words to explain how I had. Not having the words which made it make sense didn’t stop the belief I had. Having the ability to know it didn’t make sense did not stop the feeling I had killed.

I don’t know when I stopped believing I had murdered her. I’m unsure if I stopped before confessing it (around 15 years later) or if I had carried that belief until the confession. By the time I had shared, the situation had become far too complicated to follow. My memory wasn’t able to keep up. It did however, for the first time, help me to fully see how absurd and cruel it had been to feel. Before then I might’ve known it was ridiculous but I doubt I felt it was.

Hindsight is a bitter/ sweet thing with OCD. Right now I write as someone who continually struggles to stay on I am being controlled by OCD. It’s draining just to try and fight that these current threats aren’t real. When I look back on past tricks by this condition I’m able to see it for how silly it was then. The threats have passed with those so there’s freedom to observe them without fear.

As great as this is – believe me it’s a gift – I wish I had faced and shared much sooner. With hindsight also comes time which weaves a more intricate relationship with OCD. My life is exhausting, frustrating and filled with contradictions that leave me trapped. Sadly, if there is room to grow then obsessive compulsive disorder will fill it. As frightening as seeking help is the longer it’s avoided the more it will take over your life and the less time you will have of it. Delaying in the hope it will pass by itself or not having the right words to explain it is the OCD keeping hold of you. The sooner a person shares the sooner they can get their life back.

You will not be judged as evil by a professional for believing you’re a murderer, pedophile, rapist or any other bad thing you can imagine. Thoughts are not actions. If you didn’t care about the thoughts or only enjoyed them then you wouldn’t be reading. You deserve treatment and your own life back. You don’t deserve OCD.

by Steffi

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