Earlier this month it was OCD Awareness Week, but OCD awareness needs to be every day.
I’m Shaun Flores and I am on a mission to raise awareness of the reality of OCD. When people talk about OCD, they often talk about it as if it’s a quirk or something enjoyable. Anyone who lives with OCD know this couldn’t be further from the truth.
OCD has taken me to some incredibly dark places. I didn’t even know I had OCD when I was at my lowest. I don’t want anybody else to feel as isolated and scared as I did. That is why I am so passionate about raising awareness – so people know that OCD is serious, so they understand what symptoms to look out for, and so they know that with the right support, it can get better.
My Story
Journeying through OCD has been a rollercoaster to say the least.
I experienced my first OCD symptoms last year, at age 27. When OCD first showed up in my life, I initially struggled with obsessive thoughts about my sexuality which I wrestled with constantly. My OCD then quickly moved on to harm, in particular, sexual assault – the thought of “rape” popped into my head all the time.
When I was in the depths of my OCD, I could never have imagined admitting to having these thoughts. I didn’t know that everyone experienced intrusive thoughts and I was completely terrified I would act on them. I can write this now without the shame, guilt and embarrassment I used to feel. I now know that the thoughts are not my fault.
When the harm thoughts initially took hold, my life flipped around from uplifting to downtrodden. I became depressed overnight, and my life was a burden that I no longer wanted to carry. The darkness and isolation that ensued caused me to experience suicidal thoughts.
One day, I mustered the courage to tell my friends I was suicidal and no longer wanted to be alive. They were shocked and and couldn’t fathom what was happening. They stayed with me for the next couple of days to support me and keep me safe. However, understandably, they eventually had to return to their day-to-day lives. I attempted to try and lead a normal life, but nothing stopped the inner narrative and the intrusive thoughts. The thoughts felt like they were stuck and spinning around like a hamster on an ever-running wheel.
Getting Treatment
On Saturday 4th June, I decided I had had enough. I couldn’t take the internal turmoil I was in. I called the NHS desperately pleading for treatment. Sadly, the waiting list for therapy was long. Instead, they suggested I read the book Break Free From OCD. I was not in the headspace to digest a whole book, so I scoured the internet, looking for other therapy options, but nothing gave me answers. Instagram was my last hope. I stumbled upon an anxiety psychotherapist called Emma and I begged her for a conversation. She called me and I completely let out the pain I was drowning in. I was convinced all the thoughts I had meant I was going to hurt people and I would be out of control. There and then she knew what it was. “We will begin therapy on Monday.”
Monday couldn’t come soon enough. I just wanted out of my mind.
We started a course of CBT with ERP. Therapy was hard, but the sessions were the only place I could truly live. I simply existed from therapy session to therapy session.
My Life Now
Now I am here. Writing has aided my recovery tremendously; it has been a cathartic release, and the supportive response from the OCD community has been instrumental in speeding up my recovery. The community rallied together to show me that I am not alone. And now, it feels amazing to be able to write this to show you that we are not alone.
I now work with Orchard OCD, run by Nick Sireau. Orchard OCD is a UK-based charity trying to research better and faster treatments for OCD.
Currently, I am aiming to deliver a TEDx Talk on OCD, as there is an urgent need to develop new and better treatments, yet the field is severely underfunded and under-researched. I am privileged enough to have a platform via my social media platforms through modelling and influencing to continue telling my story and increase the profile of OCD within the OCD community and those outside of it.
My next step is to finish my life coach qualification. I want to take my experiences from OCD and life outside of OCD to help others on their own path in life. After that, I aim to become an OCD therapist. I cannot imagine anything that will bring me as much purpose, passion and peace. I believe that having a lived experience of OCD and using that lived experience to help others can play a huge part in people’s recovery. It is much harder to work with someone who just reads about OCD from a textbook. I know it made a big difference to me. My therapist is recovered from OCD and she showed me that I could lead a normal life. The countless others who have also recovered are a huge inspiration to us currently living with OCD.
Now, every day I count my blessings and find gratitude in the simplest moments. Living with OCD leaves you appreciating the smallest things because, once upon a time, it was hard to appreciate anything.
OCD was the worst thing I had ever experienced, but it did get better. If you are reading this, please know that OCD is not the end. You can emerge stronger and better.
Some of my other articles can be found here: Kindred Magazine, The Book Of Man and The Model Cloud Magazine, Beyond Equality, Models of Diversity, London News & Orchard OCD and I have appeared on The OCD stories podcast and Happiful Magazine Podcast.