Under pressure

[Bright Side 17Participant]

Hello everybody, this is my first post in the new forum! Have been using OCD action for many years now as one of many tools to fight my OCD. In this post I just want to throw out there what is hurting me the most currently. I have been struggling with OCD many years and am in therapy since many years as well.

1) 2020 & Covid: These fist few weeks of the new year I am feeling how much the year 2020 has hurt me. At the start of 2020 I was getting better, therapy was showing its benefits. The goal then was to increase doing all the thing that make me go crazy – go outside, meet people, travel, try new things. Then came Covid. My contimination OCD escalated, soon barely leaving the house and not meeting any people at all. As a result my OCD worsened and I got very depressed. I still cry daily at the moment. It just feels too much.

2) Although I was struggling this badly I started my teacher training. Coming along with this came and still is, working at a public school. I live outside the UK (in Europe though) and our schools are open. Everyday I have my crazy exposure training with teenagers that think Covid is not really to be taken seriously.

3) Getting to know a girl online. I got to know a girl online. She lives far away but during the most intense Covid months we got closer and closer. Eventually I fell in love with her or rather how she treats me since I haven’t met her in person. A week ago it turned out that she had gotten to know someone in person where she lives and that she is in a relationship now. I did understand of course, but to me it was tremendously painful. I am male, 26 years old and have few to no experiences with women. This girl treated me so nicely and was so warm to me that the way my mind works I just felt I had to fall in love with her. Also, every girl I ever knew told me to either, leave her alone, does not want to talk to me anymore or that she now has a boyfriend, leaving me behind hurt badly every time. This has become a pattern for me to wait until a woman hurts me. Often I am also afraid of women in general.

4) On top of all that, I have a lot of aggressive intrusive thoughts. Ranging from being followed and soon getting killed, poisoning, contamination, voices, screams, ideas. Often I cannot let go of these thoughts and ideas. Some stay an hour, some stay a week, some months. I do not remember a time where I wasn’t being attacked by such ideas in the past few years. I takes so much energy to keep going despite all this stuff my OCD mind keeps telling me.

These are just my most recent struggles. Felt good to get them off my mind. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

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