The last ten years of contamination and checking ocd. And where I seem to be now

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Hi everyone… Something that thousands of people do at least once a week… Fuel the car…  During Covid,  we have been encouraged to use the disposable  gloves provided at the pump… I did this religiously when buying diesel fuel. When it gets on the skin, the smell transfers to everything else. It isn’t  unusual to find the handle on the hose wet with the stuff. Indeed, when I was employed as a tractor driver, it would be on my hands all of the time. That was many years ago. I don’t want it on nice clothing etc. But ordinary petrol? It evaporates away and is gone… So, today, I gave it a go… No gloves, filled the car, paid with card, and done. I did use a face covering. I consider that to still be a good idea. What is on the door handles of the car? I don’t honestly know,  but it will only be the about the same as it has always been… Reasonably clean.  And that hasn’t been a bad thing… So, maybe it will be easier for me to do again, next time the car needs fuel…

That gives us all permission to just be ‘Reasonably clean’, at least, most of the time…

 

God bless you for reading…

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Hi everyone. The car thing has turned out okay so far. I’m writing again… Trying to make use of my journey so far. Yesterday I ate some buttered hot cross buns. I forgot how sticky they make my fingers when operating my computer!  Normally,  I just lick them clean, and wipe my fingers dry on my clothing(!). The way a child does… It all dries in air… As far as I know this doesn’t harm anyone…  I  went to a barista yesterday. Sat at a table with my partner who is in a wheelchair.  I used the gel, because it was there, unlike lot of other shops etc. At the mo.  I picked up a couple of sausage rolls, and paid for the drinks, using my credit card. What was on my card? I don’t know,  but after I’d paid, I sat down and ate. No ill-effects so far, and that was yesterday… As per previous times, I reckon it will all turn out fine. No one is gonna succeed in suing me. Any more than I would succeed in suing anyone else. I wouldn’t want that kind of reputation… If I ever succeeded in suing a doctor,  how would I  get another to treat me?  One of my greatest fears would be having to give someone  CPR. I could maybe save their life, but if I inadvertently damaged their ribcage, whilst doing so? They could sue me for damages, and they would very likely win… So I  stand back, wait for the ambulance people to arrive. That makes me a negligent person… So, whatever I do, will be percieved as wrong… ‘Damned if I do, damned if I don’t’, because of how society is…

It’s not easy, is it?

God bless you for reading…

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Hi everyone. Well, the stickiness didn’t amount to anything… In fact, as they have a special offer on in our local store, I bought a load more hot cross buns, to go in the freezer. It is a very convenient and cheap way of buying fruit cake… Last night, I cooked some chicken drumsticks… Defrosted them first, in the vacuum pack they were in. Then it was, get them on a grill pan, and shove them in the oven for just over half an hour. On the rack, they aren’t so greasy, and they cook better anyway…  Healthy food. Tonight, I will use up the last of them, served with microwave rice… Reheating chicken can be a bit uncertain, so they will be served cold. Just as nice…  We have a water filter tank in the kitchen. It has never been sterilised… And gets refilled a couple of times each day… We have ‘Hard’ water, so filtering it make it taste nicer.  We fill it with a plastic jug from the tap… It is only going to be ‘Reasonably clean’, same as always in my lifetime.  What about shopping in the supermarket? Today, nobody was using the antibacterial gel… In fact, many shops have done away with it altogether… Even it we do, the checkout operator will handle everything to scan it, and then I shove it all in a carrier bag, pay by card, then wander home. At the tills, Everything goes on everything… And has done for at least the last twenty years or so… We survive…

Okay… Tonight I will do some more study… And also have a look at wiring up some hi fi speakers… They are very old, and came second hand, from a blokes back yard! They need wires attaching… I don’t know how until I get the cabinets open…

Will they be clean? I really don’t know, what is most important right now is that they sound nice… I’ll get back to you all about that one…

God bless you for reading.

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Hi everyone. When we get a parcel, or letter through the post… How many people will have touched it before us? How many other letters have they been in contact with? In the old days, we licked the stamps… Did that contaminate the envelope? Did we get ill specifically because of that?  It is impossible to say.  When we go into the library to use a computer, have they ever been spotless? Really? Before Covid nobody appeared to be concerned. I learnt word processing at college, and it was pure pot luck which computer I sat at… Whichever one was free when I arrived, basically. We would have one toilet room to a lot of students, with one wash basin, that had a water heater over it, that is how basic it was… Vending machines provided hot and cold drinks… Chocolate and crisps.  Paid for with coins. (It was a lot cheaper then!) But, to the best of my knowledge, no one ever went off sick… I would be there three days a week, at varying times, around my shift work.

One thing that I have found useful, is to keep a blog on my tablet, of everything that is worrying, or upsetting me. I can then leave it on the page. buried in the computer software. It gets it all off my chest, so to speak, and then I am calm again. No one else need read it, they probably wouldn’t understand anyway, except perhaps in order to take offence to something I have written down. There are a lot of antagonists in my part of the world. Mind you, I seem to be happier than they are!

Okay, that’s it for the mo, more in a couple of days…

God bless you for reading.

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Hi everyone…  This morning it was a trip to the supermarket… I got all the stuff in the basket as usual, then decided to give the ‘self-service’ tills a go.  It is quite a process, but then, they don’t trust everyone to be honest…  It begins with placing the full basket on the left-hand side of the till.  I use the touch screen to start the process, then scan each item’s barcode, then place item into my carrier bag on the right-hand side of the unit. I’ve now handled everything, and touched the touch screen to select payment type. I then use the card reader, and touch the screen again to get a receipt. Then it is back out to the car. So now, everything is on everything. Just as it was for the person on the till before me, and will be, on the next person to use that same till. Is is Okay? I don’t know for sure, but this process has always been okay for me before in my lifetime. This is a supermarket that probably has a thousand customers every day… In a small, close-knit community town.  If anything big happens, we all soon know about it. It is a very reputable supermarket anyway, with a good reputation to protect.  So, I get back to the car, and ride home… Carrier bag on the back seat of the car.  What is on that? I really don’t know… Nobody has ridden in the back of the car for several days… But it doesn’t matter… It really doesn’t, no matter how gross it seems… I don’t know the science, nor do I need to… Reasonably clean… That’s all…  It’s worth a try, isn’t it?

God bless you for reading.

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Another shopping trip today… plastic bag recycling skip. All the empty food wrappings… But I antibac gelled my hands first, but not after, then carried on shopping, pushing a trolley as well. I came out with lots of packets of biscuits,  which I will totally refuse to wash before opening and eating… Will that be okay? I really don’t know, but it all turned out fine last time…

God bless you for reading…

Wannabe ?

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Hi everyone…

I’m up early this morning… But I’m also eating chocolate…

Something I just cannot do, is handle socks… I just recoil at the thought of handling my socks by anything apart from by the elasticated top. And yet, my grandson will pull his off by the toes… Ugh! Without checking for a moment… Wouldn’t that make your fingertips smell horrible? Now, I’m not suggesting we should sniff our fingertips… DON’T! There’s nothing positive to be gained by doing so. We just don’t, that’s all…  But consider children doing P.E. at school. If we didn’t have plimsolls, or slippers, we would go barefoot. (At this moment, Barefoot on a sandy beach or newly mown grass comes to mind, and how wonderful that feels).  We did it as kids… Did we always wash our hands before eating that biscuit? We didn’t did we? And we’ve lived to tell the tale. So…  With that evidence… Today, when we retie our shoelaces in the street…  Are they perfectly clean? Were they ever?

And checking… If we check just once only…  Defy the intrusive thoughts… Challenge them… I’ve locked that door, I know I have, cos I always do… The intrusive thoughts go wild… But strangely, after a while, we become distracted by something else, and the original thoughts actually fade away… But the more we check… The stronger the intrusive thoughts become… Let’s not give them that chance to become stronger…

Of course, that sounds easy, but as we well know, to start with, it is extremely difficult to do…  I still struggle with it… But every so often… It actually works…  I’m on prescribed medicines to help me do it… I maybe on them forever… But… There are times when life really does become worth living… It can be, and often is, Fantastic! Okay, more later…

God bless you for reading…

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Hi everyone… Today it was helping some relatives clear out a house after someone died… Dust everywhere, and medium sized spiders… Furniture that hadn’t been dusted in years… Cups unwashed, for months… Books and paperwork to handle… A lot of it went through a shredder, until that stopped working… Scrap stuff everywhere… People walking in and out… No doormat… One fabric hand towel that was actually dry to touch. I also had to sort out a minor flood in our kitchen, dishwasher hose leaking… My knees and toes were wet… But I managed to keep the same clothes on to go out in the car… I find that the intrusive thoughts fade away a bit quicker now… I vigilantly resist the urge to give in, as I know that, if I do, it will just make me want to check or clean again, the urge getting harder to resist, the more I try to reassure myself… So I don’t… If I’m negligent, then so be it… But they will have to prove beyond all doubt that it was my fault for not washing, and washing,and washing my hands, rather than theirs, for not taking reasonable care of themselves. That is the law, and compensation solicitors know it. If you try to sue me and are unsuccessful, you may have to pay your own legal fees… And get a reputation for suing people, that might get money, but is it worth it, when your GP then refuses to treat you..? Or you can’t get certain forms of insurance? It’s not going to be a lot of money anyway…

Okay, that’s it for tonight. I’ll be back on here in a couple of days or so…

God bless you for reading…

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Hi everyone… It was restaurant toilets yesterday… Even ordering the meal on touch screens… Paying by card, but not contactless, so it was typing in a number, then pressing the button that used to be green!!!  To the best of my knowledge, nobody was ill… And the coffee was fantastic! I drove both ways, as my wife’s carer. It was very difficult, due to the road being wet, and the darkness making  it difficult to see the road markings, on unfamiliar roads. It was a good ride out… To a car dealership where everything was indoors under bright lights. The colours were amazing. There was antibac gel everywhere, but, as no one else was concerned, I didn’t use it… The toilets were okay, washed hands, then used the jet engine to dry my hands… Are they really loud? Or is it just that the rooms are small?  And there’s no way of knowing if the last person to operate the door handle, had washed their hands… (Refer to ‘The concept of Bontamination’ for further details on that one.)

I’m into cuddly toys… I have a dinosaur that is four feet tall, and lot’s of other cuddlies…  I store my pens in cups, all together… Are pens and pencils ever clean? Really? And sticky tape? Blu-tack? Do most people even care?

Finally… ‘Lego bricks…’ We played with them as kids, and still do today… ‘Meccano’,  and ‘Hornby trainsets’…  What about mechanical typewriters? Other people’s games consoles and computers? Dare I mention musical instruments?

Okay… I have on my desk, a ‘Gratitude’ jar. It’s a coffee jar empty except for pieces of paper, with positive affirmations on…  They lift me when I’m having a bad day…

God bless you for reading…

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Hi everyone… I had to go into a car spares dealer for a windscreen wiper blade. I simply unclipped the old one, and took it into the shop. I still came out with the wrong one, and had to take it back… Then it was around to the main dealers, to see if they had any… Nope, but they will have tomorrow… I didn’t clean my hands at all… nowhere… And when I got home I made sandwiches… I’m not ill yet…  Today I’ve been feeling really tired… It happens sometimes… So it is an early night for me. I’ll try and post again tomorrow… God bless you for reading…

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Well nothing has happened so far… No one is ill because of me… How would they prove it was me anyway? I have no control of how other wash their hands before eating…. So maybe, it is okay… Non-OCD’ers don’t worry…

I knew people once who were seeking to blame me for everything…  While all the emphasis was on me, I wonder what they were up to? Mmmm… That care home is no longer in operation… I wonder why?

Well, it is midnight now, so I will return here in just a bit, I need to get some sleep first…

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Hi everyone… Well, nothing happened, no one got ill, at least, not that I know of… And the really brill thing, was to sit in a cafe, myself with a delicious Latte, and my other half with a drinking chocolate… With an absolute mountain of whipped cream on top. Well, I gave in to the temptation, stuck my finger into the cream, and stuck it into my mouth… Ummm Delicious!!  Now… OCD would try to say that, Whatever was on my finger, was now in the cream… My wife’s cream… Was it ruined? I licked my fingers clean… Could that make me ill? After handling the steering wheel of the car? Well, it hasn’t so far, so maybe I just ‘Bontaminated’ it? I saw some fantastic cake… But resisted, it was quite pricey… I had to drive today, to a place I haven’t been in for over 25 years… All the trees had grown, so I didn’t recognise the road junctions. I got into a library, and sat down in a cubicle, got my books out, and did a bit of studying… I had to speak to a lot of people today… Asking directions around the complex that the library is situated in… Were the books clean? I really don’t know… I trusted it… The same as others in the room were doing… I did have a face covering on… What if something comes up on the television news? Well, how could they link anything to me? How can I possibly be responsible for what other people have got on their hands before eating something… They cannot sue me… And I haven’t become ill either… To be fair, I once worked in an establishment where I believed that other people had litigation solicitors on speed dial… What they maybe didn’t realise, was that, if an individual gets a reputation for suing people, their Gp won’t help them anymore… Put it this way, If you were the doctor, Would you? Car insurance, and suchlike become difficult for them to get. People who try to get runover by my car, may get a couple of hundred quid, the solicitor thousands, and me a couple of points on my licence… And they feel proud, until Wintertime, and their injuries become painful, even after years of ‘healing’… Suddenly that three hundred quid really wasn’t the worth the physical pain they’ll endure for the rest of their lives…

I used to be held responsible for anything that went wrong… My childhood wasn’t brill, resulting in me not being close to many of my family… I failed miserably at school… But now I’m a fully published writer…

But it is all created on a word processor, cos my handwriting is unreadable. I’m not responsible for everyone else… I take reasonable care… And that is all anyone can do… I refuse to take the blame for someone else’s tummy-ache, When they themselves haven’t washed their own hands… Nothing ever is perfectly clean… In fact scientists are now suggesting that we have traces of plastics in our lungs… Air freshener in our atmosphere could maybe be contributing to asthma… If we try to be too clean… Our natural resistance to the world around us will diminish… And we will ultimately die… It is nature… Biology… So… Let’s to try and just wash our hands after going loo… Bearing in mind that a lot of people don’t bother at all… Consider pub lavatories… And they don’t just touch the glasses, it is also peanuts… Bar snacks… They still go to the pub…

Okay, rant over. I tell OCD to back off… Leave me alone… Nobody else has clean hands either… Gels that kill 99.9% of bacteria, kill off the good ones too, the ones that are supposed to be strengthening, and improving our natural protection… Think about that for a moment… Is that a good thing?

More later… God bless you for reading…

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Hi everyone… Big decisions being made today… About some education stuff I’ve been looking at… I was looking at doing a degree… But why? What would it achieve? Or even prove? The government of the UK is changing the criteria for entry to university, by governing the student loan system, and I no longer meet the Criteria, so it is, escape, do what I’m good at instead, and not end up owing a lot of money… I’m retired, I should be enjoying life… My main hobbyskill is music… I play a fabulous old electronic organ… I have stuff on youtube… Is the organ clean? I doubt it… I’ve never cleaned it, before or after playing… And other people touch is as much as I do… What about a piano? Were they ever washed down? Of course not! And guitars… The strings would have been positively ‘Bontaminated’, with germs, finger grease, hair gel, fag ash… Yes, I grew up in the seventies! Just maybe, all that handwashing, despite the intrusive thoughts, is actually doing me and others, more ‘Harm’ than ‘Good’, by effectively denying their natural right to become bontaminated with something, in order for their immune systems to develop strength. To be fair, this world has never been clean… We’ve just adapted to the germs and things that are around us all of the time. A good illustration of this is in H.G.Wells ‘War of the worlds’.  We try to fight little things with big guns, so to speak, and yet, it’s other little things…

Mmmm… Makes us think, Doesn’t it?  Maybe it doesn’t have to be quite so perfect…

More in a couple of days…

God Bless you for reading.

Wannabe

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[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Thank you for your kind words!

I have to be honest and say that, this is helping me immensely too… When I write things down they aren’t reassurance, but actual written evidence.  For myself, this stuff would stand up in court.

Today it was all about delivering a parcel. Quite a big one, in that a courier wanted to charge a stupid amount to deliver it for me. I arranged with the buyer, that I would deliver it myself, by car. This would involve getting into the car, with the big parcel, then driving about eighty miles, to the buyers workplace. That in turn meant touching doorbells and call buttons. I then had to find reception, at which, absolutely none of the soap dispensers had any soap in(!).  I found the buyer, but didn’t actually offer to shake hands, but then, neither did they…  I’d placed the box on the floor by this time…  But anyway, I have no way of knowing if anything in the parcel was bontaminated, whether the car steering wheel had anything on it, I just didn’t know.

Okay, let’s consider the possibility that the buyer might wake up in the morning with some sort of tummy upset… How could we say it was me? That person will have touched lot’s of things during the day, (Including doorhandles!). It could have come from anyone… There were dozens of people there… Is it even likely they will have washed their hands? Any of them? Certainly not everyone, cos people don’t.  We all take a risk, everytime we take a breath, eat a pizza or burger, but that risk is minimal, and necessary for our immune systems to keep up with the changes in the air.  Likewise, when we drink water… It isn’t the same the world over… In one place where I lived once, they put Flouride in the water to guard against tooth decay… It has certainly done that alright, but what else has it done? We don’t know yet…

I’m okay tonight… But I must get some sleep…

We need ‘Bontamination’, otherwise, we could eventually get over run by the very nature that keeps us safe… Okay… Reasonably safe… So far… Let’s be brave, and take a bit of a risk today… Or even tonight, laid on the same pillow as last night, and maybe, as in my case, even the night before that…  More later.

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Okay… Just what exactly is on the inside of an antique clock? Oil, yes, old oil. What about anything else that could be on it? It won’t have been anti bacced ever… They simply didn’t have that sort of stuff then… I estimate it to be 200 years old… Do I really need to wash my hands after touching it? Really? Okay, get the oiliness off my fingers, but, anything else? Really? Do watchmakers ever get ill from eating? I’ve worked down a coal mine… With oil, grease, million year old coal dust… And when you are 1/2 mile below the surface, the toilets don’t flush! There is no water, except in my drinking bottle, and sandwiches from a special, sealed, slice of bread shaped, ‘Snap tin’, for the entire length of my shift… Sure, miners got ill breathing the dust… But, Dirty hands? Actually no… And that is a big difference and extreme, from anything that could possibly be in an old clock. So… It is a wait and see… More later,

God bless you for reading.

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Well, no awkward situations regarding the clock…  And it is still running fine. I have wired up my stereo, so I don’t lie awake thinking tonight. I love music…  I went to a carwash today… I shudder to think what is in those sprays… But we will have inhaled some through the air vents… Just like last time, and no ill effects…  What about the handles inside the car? Though this car is clean, some of the ones in the past were really grubby… Camping holidays with the kids… Crawling about on wet grass hammering in tent pegs. It was a fabulous tent, but we had no washing facilities except in the toilet blocks on site… And we did a lot of cooking in camp… There were very basic showers… Yet we survived… We survived… And we didn’t have antibacterials, it was just ordinary bar soap… On site chippy… All paid for with ordinary cash… Maybe we are a lot more resistant than we think… Just by being reasonably clean… Can we do that? Just check that door once only… No need to go and check yet again… I’ve checked it once, and it is definitely locked. In fact, the more times I go back and check, the stronger the urge gets to check even more times… And I really don’t want to experience that feeling again…

So, what about my bed? Is it clean enough? Hasn’t it always been so before?

More later…

God bless you for reading…

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Hi everyone. I have just returned from a family gathering, that occurs approximately twice a year. And it was a weird experience. Nobody there knows what I’m doing today, but they will remember how ill I was a few years ago. The event was at a pub/restaurant. Now… In previous times it would always be something like a mixed grill, with a glass of something refreshing.  A plateful, and sometimes with a dessert afterwards. This time however, it was very different, I was sitting at the end of the table, watching everyone else, and basically, so that they would all have been able to see me.

Now we all know how I’m always going on about burgers… Well, for me, that was the most attractive thing on the menu… Most of the other stuff was simply vamped up versions of what I would occasionally have out of the freezer at home, but with more gravy…  So… A big burger… With all the stuff… And of course, chips…  Okay… There is no way of eating a burger with a knife and fork… It simply cannot be done… So, it was good old fingers. I had no antibac gel to use, it simply wasn’t there…

The burger was fantastic, as were the chips, and licking sticky fingers, wiping them dry on my clothing… Just as a child does… I challenged the OCD, and nobody became ill… Especially me… I used a fork for the relish, but didn’t need the knife… Thousands of people do this every day… And there are no ill-effects… If there were, it would be on the television news, never mind papers… These companies are massive, with a reputation to protect…  So that is evidence, it will stand up in court…

The thing is, the last time we had a similar family gathering, it was antibacgel on my hands, the gel bottle, my pocket… And the meal would have been something with gravy, so I would be using knife and fork… But not this time…

What about wedding buffets?  People get married at weddings, they don’t die… And the children are sliding about on the floor during the disco bit… They are having the chance to build up their natural defences… A bit of ‘Bontamination’ makes us stronger, it is part of our natural survival. It is important… It is difficult to consciously do, but, with defiance, it can be done. We have to dare the so n so to harm us… It won’t, it just makes us think it will harm us…

Biology is amazing…

So… Next time you are passing a burger restaurant, treat yourself, go in, and use the touch screens… They won’t hurt anyone… Otherwise they simply wouldn’t be there… Right?  And whilst doing so, just picture all the other people around you, who have also had no need of the jet engine sounding hand dryer, ‘somewhere’ in the building in which you now stand…

To win any contest, we have to first face, or make a challenge, in order to take part. We have to be in it to win it… And we can… We definitely can…

God bless you for reading,

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Hi everyone… I awoke this morning feeling more tired than I would have been when I went to bed… I have the radio on at night, so I don’t have to listen to silence… The very sort of time when our natural intrusive thoughts can get out of control. Did I upset anyone today? Probably… But I cannot keep everything perfectly clean… Even if I could, would that be a good thing anyway?  Does anyone else worry about me? Do they need to?

In my day to day living, some of the people I come into contact with, are natural antagonists… Anything I say, or do… But they never wash their hands at all… They are at more risk from themselves, than anything I could put them at risk from. So I can relax a bit.  Yesterday we had the TV coverage of the Queens Platinum anniversary… But I bet the press will publish the photo’s of the the young prince picking his nose!  It doesn’t make him ill, does it?

So, what about my hands this morning… I’ve washed my hands after using the loo… But the bathroom towel is gonna be damp, in the germ ridden environment of the toilet/bathroom. So… Has the towel ‘ever’ been clean? Ever? Even when I was a toddler? When I crawled on the floor when learning to walk? You can answer that one if you like…

Something I try to do a lot of is write… On my computer desktop I have a word processor file, called the ‘Angry files’.

Whenever I get frustrated, agitated or suchlike, I write it all down. It gets it out of my system, without anyone answering back… No one shouting back at me… No one saying that I’m being silly, I just get to say my piece, and then leave it there… But I don’t delete any of it… That would be devaluing it… I can refer back to it at a later time… See what I’ve come through… Wow! Don’t we all go through some stuff? When I look back, everything that has happened, good or bad, has brought me to where I am today… And to be honest… It’s almost okay…

I can check things… But no one else does… Well, they don’t do they? All those people who pass judgement over us… No one is ever perfectly clean… So, just maybe, We don’t have to be…  When it comes to germs and bacteria, When we are adults, reasonably clean is gonna be good enough… It must be, or none of us would be here at all… In  H.G.Wells’s story, ‘The war of the worlds’, the martians were doomed, the moment they exposed themselves to our atmosphere. But we aren’t doomed. By simply being here, We have already built up a large amount of resistance. Well, more than they did!

When I was learning how to use a computer for writing, I was in a college building, using a different computer each day… We ate food at breaktimes… There was only one toilet/washbasin. Just as it is on the orient express… Let’s all try not to worry, so that we can at least have a bit of a good time whilst we are here… Sure, some people will have everything money can buy, but maybe nothing else…  I just thank God for ebay… Nearly everything in my home is secondhand. So was grubby before I even got it. And biologically, I’ve actually survived, and indeed, still do.  We are hopefully going to get some sunshine today… But if we want to see a beautiful rainbow, we’ll first need a little bit of temporary rain…

I’m still on medicine… But that is okay…  Let’s just see how today goes… I will try and manage without washing my hands every-time I touch anything… Sort of reduce it a bit…  I’m not a threat to anyone else… They take their own risks… Just as I do.

Okay… More later, I’m off to try and prepare breakfast…

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Hi everyone… For the last couple of days I’ve struggled to get on here! I think there is something wrong with my web browser or something. I thought I’d been banned!! Never mind, I’m here now… I really don’t know if anyone out there is reading this… But I’ll carry on, just in case…

Ocd is a crippler, let’s be honest. It wrecks careers, livelihoods, and most of all, people. Us… I wrie because it keeps me sane, and sort of controls the intrusive thoughts a bit. The concept of Bontamination is complete now, there is nowhere left to take it. Either the world will accept it, or ignore it, that is entirely out of my hands now, the books are all published, and now it is time to do something different.

What about biscuits then… Sticky chocolate… Licked off the fingers, then wiped dry on my trouser front. Children will do this all the time. Is it dangerous? Are chocolate biscuits dangerous? Not really!! At least, not so far…  So tonight, I will sleep. I have a radio on at night, with cooling down music, to take away the stress of the day. The channel I listen to doesn’t keep telling us the time, so to be honest, if I do happen to awaken during the night, I won’t know when or for how long…  For those of us reading this, OCD is awfully serious. I used to believe that I contaminated the world around me.  The idea that maybe everyone else was doing exactly the same as me, just didn’t come into it. I tore myself to shreds… Me, myself, before others inevitably got their oar in, so to speak. But us Ocd’ers are good people… We try too hard, to care about things so out of our control, it’s amazing.  And there are a lot of people in the world who literally don’t give a damn. They go to public places, never wash hands… And yet, Aren’t these the very people who would sue me, if they thought I myself could possibly be the cause of their discomfort? The ‘Where there’s blame, there’s a claim’ brigade.  I’ve come across a heck of a lot of these people in my lifetime… Especially in care work.  When these people dislike the human race so much, what are they doing in care work? Anyway, I digress.

OCD is a real struggle, even to the point of myself wondering whether or not it is even OCD we have anyway.  There are common traits, but to be safe, a qualified doctor is best to give us a firm diagnosis.  There are other sections on this website, for us to find help. I regularly post, as I have for the last ten years or so, as I’ve gradually clawed my way back up from the depths of a severe contamination based form of OCD. I’m proof that it is possible beat OCD, maybe not overnight, but, overtime, with the right support and suggestions. Nobody on here is qualified, but there are people in the world who have been there, done that, and indeed still do wear the proverbial Tee-shirt at times.

I choose not to drive much these days… My other half can drive, but I’m more interested in what is going on alongside the car, rather than what is going on in front. So I do at least, have the option. Tonight I will rest, put the radio on so it isn’t silent in my room, and when morning gently comes, Just watch and assert that; ‘Today is safe, Watch and Smile’.

Okay, I promise not to wait so long before getting back on here again soon, and will in the meantime, work out some ideas we can share together, on our quest, through this sometimes uncertain world.

God bless you for reading.

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Hi everyone… Something I have started having a go at, is Open University study.  I have a fondness for Psychology. It is a fascinating subject, and there are some really brilliant theorists and ideas out there. Some are a bit far fetched, but many are really down to earth about how people become adults, and how our experiences shape us into the people we are today… Study, when it is structured, is a great way of driving out intrusive thoughts, and worries about contamination. They have something called ‘Open learn’ which is totally free of charge, and has some really interesting courses. You get to do mini tests and gain digital badges which can be printed out and put in a folder. They are effectively certificates. And the fun of learning about something new, or indeed, more about something we already know about, is really interesting. I keep my learning journal/diary on a wordprocessor file, so I can change text colours etc,  My handwriting is totally unreadable these days… Would you believe that, in the ‘old’ days, it was possible to fit an entire long story, romance, or adventure novel file onto an ordinary floppy disc?

God bless you for reading…

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Hi everyone… Well, yesterday it was a party to go to… You’ve guessed it, Sausage rolls, meringues, strawberries, Cream, Cake… It was fabulous… It was very lighthearted, and very sticky… Now, I wasn’t taking a lot of notice of what everyone else was doing but, There were only a few serviettes. Basically, I reverted to being a child again, and ate using my fingers, it was all lovely, I had a cream filled merigue, and there’s two ways to eat that, in a dish with spoon, in which case it crunches up to nothing, or, as I bravely tried, to eat it like the cake it is, dipping my fingers in and licking the cream off my fingers. Really nice! Now, we have a foolproof way of not spoiling our clothes when eating sticky cakes etc.  If, after eating a sticky cake, you lick your fingers clean, before wiping them dry on whatever is available, it won’t spoil your clothes, because saliva doesn’t. So I’m wiping them on the back of my shirt, and on my trousers. In all the time I’ve been doing that, my clothes are fine, and so is everyone else, so far. And, assuming they are all doing exactly the same… Well, they can’t blame me, can they? So, next time you go to a buffet, if there is antibacterial stuff on the food table, then by all means use it, sparingly, just the once. You can then basically handle anything you fancy to eat, get it on the plate, and return to your chair. This way, we get to eat real nice food. It is the same at a barbecue… Just watch the children. If there are no children, try a different barbecue! I absolutely adore being around kids, My grandchildren metaphorically ‘bounce off the walls’ when they visit. Much as I did when I was a child. With my sense of humour, I’m basically in my mid sixties, but acting like a six year old again. I’m re-living my childhood, in a happy way. I have the right to do this.  We visit more grandchildren next weekend, and they have dogs and a cat… And they are absolutely lovely.  Can they make us ill? Well, they haven’t so far, and they’re a lot of fun to be with. They are just wonderful, they are very affectionate, and enjoy sitting with me on the settee. But only when no one is eating of course. I haven’t carried anti-bac gel for quite a while now. It is such a pain to use. When it is provided in a public place, I use it sparingly on entry, and that is all. It is the same as everyone else around me it doing. So there’s no way they can try and hold me responsible, should they get tummy-ache…  This is real, ordinary living… And it helps if we don’t think too deeply into it… Let’s all eat a cake and lick our fingers clean… Just as we did when we were kids… More later,

God bless you for reading.

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Hi everyone. Well tomorrow night I will sleep in a different bed, with different pillows etc. A different house, a different toilet. On the way, I will use motorway services… Drink coffee/latte. Eat sandwiches with my fingers, egg sandwiches… I really don’t know how clean anything will be, save to say, it was okay last time… It all turned out okay… I just avoid thinking too deeply into anything… In a lot of shops, the anti bac gel has run out now… So, just maybe, if we just use it where it is provided, just the once, we’ll be as safe as anyone can be and therefore is, in these times. I have a cuddly teddy bear from the Millenium. That makes him 22 years old, and I got him from a charity shop. I don’t think it is washable, so that will have seen some hugs without a liberal splashing of Dettol!  Children don’t have their teddy bears washed every day… Maybe the Teddy bear is helping them to be introduced to a small amount of germs (Just how many could you fit onto a teddy bear?!) in order for their natural bodily resistance to strengthen, a good thing… ‘Bontamination’ actually.

I do worry about storing files etc on the cloud drive… I’ve come from writing entire novels onto a floppy disc! And gramophone records to parties, nowadays CD’s. I liken it to storing something in someone else’s shed, and them then putting up the rent… So it is mainly memory cards and sticks, with a lot more capacity for storage, and I’m then in charge of keeping them safe.

What about the things we plug into other things electronically? Is there ever anything on the plugs and sockets? If there was, it wasn’t much of anything, otherwise we would be sick all of the time… To be honest, I only wash hands occasionally, and cannot remember the time I last got tummy ache, let alone anyone else…

Those trip and fall solicitors… There is a downside… If you succeed and therefore get a history in suing people, it will be highly likely that you’ll be dropped by your family doctor for a start… Builders won’t mend your house, etc. etc. Plus the likelihood that the solicitor gets most of the money anyway, as ‘Costs’.

Anyway, Us Ocd’ers aren’t any more likely to spread germs than everyone else, and so, if they can get away with it, and they do, then I can too. That makes me free…

Okay, I’m tired now, I was up late last night sorting out some study work, so tonight is an early night by comparison.

More later,

God bless you for reading.

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Do you remember the comfort of sitting on grass? The uneven surface of the ground helps with comfort, and the grass has a nice feeling on the hands… Is it dangerous? What, All of it? Even the ‘clean’ bits? It is natural. We haven’t always had carpets to walk on… The Romans in their baths didn’t have anti-bacterial soap as far as we know, so how have we all survived? Maybe, just maybe, we are a little more resistant than we think we are… We need a certain amount of bacteria around us, or we are gonna lose our immunity… Our nature is adapting all the time, what is needed, stays, that that isn’t needed, disappears, to allow for newer threats to be combated. This process is going on in us all of the time, without us needing to go over the top with things. It’s as much a part of us as digestion is. Natural bodily functions… A lot of the bacteria around us, actually needs to be there, in our own environment, we are biological creatures, so it is important. We really mustn’t try to be too clean… If we but allow it, our natural systems can, and indeed do, a lot to protect us. We are quite resilient, but if we go to far with cleanliness, we could sacrifice the resilience, and become dependant on anti-bacterials for ever. But, as they aren’t fully natural, they could become a threat, rather than a support to us. Where would it all end? Could it be that the worry, is greater, than the perceived danger?

In a supermarket we can buy fresh strawberries… On the packet, it probably says ‘Wash before use’, but that is only to protect the supplier. Just like milk bottles have a warning ‘Contains milk’. But, Strawberries? What about the packet? It will have been handled by everyone… The shop staff… The strawberries… How could we clean them? Just water isn’t enough for worktops in the kitchen, not by our standards… But it is most certainly okay for strawberries… Anything else would ruin the flavour… So… Can we risk it? Others do, every day… Everytime we go to a barbecue… Is  everyone else washing and antibaccing their  hands continuously?  Really?  Let’s glance bravely around us… Why do we feel driven to wash our hands? Are we really protecting everyone around us? Are they as clean as we are? Really? Do we really have that much influence?

I would wash my hands until they were red raw… The thing is, by doing so, I was actually doing more harm to myself, than I ever could anyone else. And they weren’t washing their hands at all… If anyone could be at risk, it would be myself, because I was destroying my natural immunity. Would I wish that onto anyone else? Of course not… If someone were to wish it to me, how would I need my natural defences to be? Let’s both of us do that then… And wait and see what happens…

If anything were to, could it possibly be down to me? By the evidence we have, it would be extremely unlikely, wouldn’t it? So there is no point trying to shoulder the blame. We are as good as anyone else, with equal rights. Assert the right not to try and take the blame. There is no blame to be had… It is just one of those things…

God bless you for reading…

Wannabe

[Forum Moderators]

Forum Moderators here:

We want today share this post with everyone: we really encourage users to start topics like this one, where you share your experiences and thoughts of living with OCD… both positive and negative.

Think of your topic as being almost like a blog or diary about living with OCD or a related condition. Other forum users are always welcome to post, comment and contribute but please respect everyone and follow the Forum Guidelines!

Topics like this one make the forum a more welcoming and friendly place for everyone!

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