Not new to this

[JustsoocdParticipant]

Hi there,

I am new to the forum but not new to OCD unfortunately. I am having a super difficult time right now and really just joined this forum to feel like I have others who understand what I am going through and can possibly offer some advice.

I have had OCD my entire life. I remember some of my earliest obsessions in kindergarten or 1st grade…so definitely not new to this. But for the past 5-6 years I have been pretty much OCD free in the sense that I wouldn’t qualify as having it on diagnostic tests. It was at such a mild level I thought I beat this thing. But this summer I had some stressful life events…actually this entire year and its not even including the pandemic. And well, I have fully relapsed and I am in deep.

I have what we like to say is “pure o” although I think that term is quite silly because I definitely have compulsions they are just in my head. I have had pretty much every theme under the sun, and my lovely OCD overarching fear regardless of the theme is “what if you did that”. Regardless of the theme I am on, my OCD creates imagined events and then I get what we like to call “false memories” in the OCD community where I ruminate on the imagined event so much it feels real and I ruminate on the imagined event over and over until I get a “just right” feeling of “that didn’t happen!”, only for a moment later to feel like I need to check again because once again it feels like what if you could have done this….does anyone else do this?

I hear a lot with false memories will get stuck on one or two. I have thousands. I create them so quickly. If I get an intrusive image in my head I feel like I have to ruminate and make sure it isn’t a memory and then it becomes another “false memory” thought I have to ruminate on until it feels like “that never happened”. Or it will be posed as a question like did you do something bad (regarding whatever theme I am on) and I will imagine a scenario to make sure I didn’t but then it feels like well is what you imagined a memory? And I know its not. I know in my heart of hearts none of this is real, but the FEELING OCD gives of something is wrong or what if this could be real is what drives my compulsions. It scares me how my brain can pose such ludicrous scenarios and I still will have to ruminate to make sure they aren’t real. Can anyone with false memory OCD please share your experiences? This theme seems less common and I am feeling quite alone at the moment.

I also have created a compulsion of typing down my thoughts when I get them to ruminate on them later because if I get a thought and don’t acknowledge it, it feels like I am forgetting something and then my OCD says what if you did something bad and just forgot or are ignoring it. So I type my thoughts and ruminate on them later. This “worked” at first (to lower my anxiety but is obviously a compulsion so it made me worse) but my OCD is so severe now that I have so many and just one thought will take an hour to get that “that never happened” feeling and I swear I have a novel typed by now. Meaning I am going to have to do exposure and just delete the thoughts. If you have started ERP can you please give me an idea of what to expect? I am afraid I will be committed to a hospital for anxiety because it is so bad.

I have a prescription of Celexa in my cabinet I have yet to start. I took one pill and hated how disconnected I felt almost like in a dream state and I didn’t take anymore. I am considering starting it, so if Celexa worked for you please share too.

Or if none of this relates to you, but you just want to tell me your experience please do. I feel alone and like I can’t do this much longer.

Thanks for reading.

-Justsoocd

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