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Homepage Forums Support From Our Forum Community OCD & Intrusive Thoughts I really screwed up the other day and really need help…

  • This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 2 months ago by wannabefree.
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  • #28487
    realeventwitsend
    Participant

      I really screwed up the other day and don’t know what to do help

      Hi, so I’ve been having OCD for more than a decade now and this summer it’s gotten unmanageable. I started having serious concerns for my cats’ safety and began obsessing over it, I always tried to keep everything as clean as possible which ended taking a lot of time and energy. But it ended up evolving into something more and more concerning for me as I was feeling guilty about the slightest action I was doing to them or near them, like for instance picking them up, I always felt bad about that because I felt I might have squeezed them a bit too hard, or when I petted them that I might have pet them too hard or in a a spot they didn’t like, sometimes I felt guilty because I would have closed a door a bit too hard which caused a noise a bit too loud or turned on the light when they were napping etc. This caused me to try and make up for it by spending a lot of time with them, more than I could handle in fact, I ended up spending my whole summer vacation trying to pet them whenever they wanted to make up for everything, letting them sleep and roam in my room as much as they wanted but I just couldn’t anymore because that’s all I was doing and each second I was afraid or making a wrong move and hurting them, like rolling in my bed without noticing them for instance, and petting them again and again because last pet felt off and this took hours. I stopped doing that because it was counterintuitive, if my cats didn’t want to be pet I couldn’t just pet them anyway to make up for it even though they didn’t really mind. Then I had increasing concerned about a glass I broke in my room which pieces I couldn’t all find obviously, I pretty much baricaded my room so that any gust of wind wouldn’t carry a potential small shard of glass out of my room into the hallway where they usually hang out, throughouly dusting myself off before leaving my room so that I wouldn’t carry any glass shard with me outside my room in fear they might ingest them, this led to several discussion with my family where I asled my mom to change my cats’ water bowl in case a glass shard on me might have fallen in when passing by, also when I go outside I carry a trashbag with my shoes in them and only put them on when out of the house and remove them before entering since there is so many glass shards outside. Another concern I had was with closing doors, I can’t do that anymore, I’m too afraid one of my cat might stick its paw in a door as I’m closing it and I would have no way of 100% knowing it for sure, I tried to look as muchbas I could for nearby cat when closing the door, paying attention as much as I could but I coudln’t convince myself a cat just didn’t make a run for it last second as I was closing the door, or maybe I didn’t look hard enough, so now my parents have to close the door for me everytime I need to go to my room, which also means I can’t leave my room unless I absolutely need to. This raises another concern with wind drafts as I’ m super careful leaving my window closed so that drafts can’t slam doors shut for the aformentioned reason, also so that my cats don’t smell dirty dishes in my room and get curious and end up smelling them from the kitchen window which is close to mine, and end up trying to climb the sink to get some height and stab themselves on the silverware.

      But all of this can’t compare to what happened yesterday. I noticed my family keeps an extinguisher in the closet that’s located in the hallway of my house where my cats usually roam. I was afraid someone might open the closet too hard making it fall down and potentially hurt a cat that would be passing by, especially since said extinguisher is on a shelf about half a meter of the ground. I wanted to move it to prevent that from happening but couldn’t as I needed to head to class. Once of the bus, I called my parents to ask them not to open the closet so that it wouldn’t fall on them which they promised not to do it (but later my mom said she did it anyways to grab something tho I only knew it after what I’m about to tell you). Once I was in my class I realised I should call my parents to tell them not to at least lock the cat out the hallway and in the kitchen so that even if it does fall it wouldn’t hurt them, so I asked the teacher to go to the bathroom but they wouldn’t answer the phone, I assumed they went to take a nap as theh usually do around this hour but couldn’t be sure. So once I was back in class I looked up buses that could bring me home so that I could fix the issue myself as soon as possible to prevent any harm to them and I would have at least did anything I could to prevent harm, one was about to come in a few minutes so I could have taken this one but chose not to, and I’m not sure why, I think I didn’t want to ask my teacher to excuse myself because I’d already asked to go to the bathroom or knew he would refuse since there was only 20 minutes of class left, or maybe that it was highly unlikely the extinguisher would fall anyway as it’s not connected to the door of the closet so there isn’t really any reason for it to fall or maybe I was embarrassed about interupting the class to ask to go home and be in the spotlight and seen as a weirdo by the rest of the class when he would have refused, but the teacher knows me well and I have good results in his class so he might have let me go, but a part of me is convinced I did it on purpose. So when I went home taking the next bus which only was twenty minutes after the one I missed, I immediatly went to see my cats and they were all napping and were happy to see me, I let them roam around and nap on my bed with me, but I feel guilty because I cannot tell if something happened, I think if the extinguisher did fall on one of them it would have cause serious injury if not killed one of them since it’s really heavy but I cannot be 100% sure. My parents told me nothing had happened but they also could be lying to not make me feel bad so I don’t know either way. I don’t think I can live with this guilt it’s been eating me up since then and I feel like it’s over and nothing will be the same anymore, I feel empty and sad. I’ve spent the better part of yesterday and today taking care of my cats but they still seem to behave like they usually do but then again I can’t convinced myself nothing happened. I feel so guilty for not doing the best I could to prevent potential harm to them, to some extent, even if I knew they were 100% fine and nothing had happened, I feel disgusted knowing I could have still tried and do something to prevent harm. I feel like I need to severely punish myself, so that I can make my brain understand that this is not ok and have lesser chance of doing such a thing ever again.

      If you’re wondering, I am going to see my psychiatrist in about a week but has been done has been done, I do have some medication my doctor percribed to me a few months ago while I was waiting for an appointement with my psychiatrist but they don’t seem to do much. I really need advice on what to do now, I’m lost and devastated. And thanks for reading and replying in advance, of you need further details, I’ll be happy to provide them.

      #28592
      wannabefree
      Participant

        Hi there. It sure is scary isn’t it?

        The only way is to ‘Let go, and Let God’, Whatever you perceive him to be.

        Let go, and allow your cat to look after him/herself. They are far more resilient to the world than any of us human beings.

        When out on their own, other peoples cats go to some pretty amazing places, across broken glass and fencing, and yet they are always okay. Well they are ,Aren’t they?

        So, for one hour to start with, hand the responsibility over to your cat him/herself. Feel the stress go out of your mind for just an hour. It’s amazing… Cats are amazing, Aren’t they? They don’t worry… They can teach us a lot about living… They just lay about, and, As long as we provide them food and water, They love us unconditionally.

        Vets visits are incredibly rare, and they are very independent. It wouldn’t surprise me if yours visits other people’s homes when out, Then come mischievously home. Cats are brill…

        I sure wish my tenancy agreement would allow me to have one at my home!

        One last thing for the mo… Try stretching that hour to longer periods… That will be blessed freedom…

        Welcome

        Wannabe

        #28868
        wannabefree
        Participant

          I reckon I screw up every day… A cleric once said to me that ‘We sin when we do things… But we also sin when we don’t to do things… Explain that one in syllables that let me feel innocent! It’s a total con to make me do their will… People can manipulate us to their desires, to make them feel better about themselves! Some selfrighteous people will say that God only helps those who help themselves… Some people just help themselves to everything they can get their hands on…

          What do you think?

          Wannabe

          #29005
          Forum Moderators

            Hi:

            We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time with OCD and we want you to know that OCD Action offers several types of support for you

            You can contact the OCD Action Helpline and Email Ser to talk to or email someone who understands OCD.

            Our Helpline volunteers provide confidential information and support for people with OCD. Most volunteers have personal experience of OCD; all understand how it can impact your life. Contact our Helpline by:

            Support groups for people with OCD offer a safe place where you can talk openly about OCD and support other people. Read information about UK-based groups here:

            If you don’t live in the UK, look for groups near you on the International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) website. Under “Find Help”, choose “Listing Types”, then “Support Groups”: https://iocdf.org/

            And please remember that you’re never alone – OCD Action is here to support you.

            Forum Moderators

            #29061
            Ninnie
            Participant

              Hi there, I see you posted this quite a while back, but was interested in hearing how you are getting on now, as my OCD generally manifests as fear of accidentally hurting my dog, or of him getting sick and dying.

              #29066
              ocdwitsend
              Participant

                Somehow, it’s gotten worse, another similar incident happened two weeks after this one except with bags of what turned out be clothes as I intially thought when leaving home that one morning, but I realised it might not have been clothes before getting on the bus and still decided to get on and go to class. Now I’ve developped a fear of sitting or laying on my cats or even stray cats outside and constantly have to check under my butt if a cat is there and even then I can’t be sure.

                #29067
                wannabefree
                Participant

                  Keep It Simple, Suffering Soul…

                  If we keep things simple and basic, The complicated stuff (Just about everything else) just might sort itself out for us…

                  But it’s not easy, is it?

                  Wannabe

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