15 years but its getting worse

I try my best to not seek reassurance but ive never felt so lost and constantly not wanting to be here anymore, don’t worry i’m to scared to die but I feel low most of the time where doing anything is too hard.

My intrusive thoughts have become so ridiculous that I don’t know if they are anymore because they don’t make any sense. The ocd thoughts have always bee the worst, where i am constantly analyzing and ruminating everything. Now though they seems to have got darker, i know ocd is often about the sense of loss of control but the thoughts im having now are so messed up, i can’t even rely on saying its ocd because it seems so much worse.

Im having thoughts like feeling disappointed i couldn’t be here if i wanted to be because its not a good person, feeling like im genuinely interested in life but if i think I’m attractive, which is of course fine to think you are attractive, but i almost feel like this urge to think im really attractive, like i feel this intense obsessive attractive feeling to think it. I know that when your attracted to someone else you don’t go all weird like this but its so insane that i cant rationalize it and it just makes me want to disappear but after the thought has happened. I feel like i have to think it as well as liking it at the same time.

Its only got this bad the past year where the thoughts seem to be warping into me wanting to be me but at the same time me not wanting to be. i can feel utterly convinced im bad because of these thoughts and then see my family and can be fine and have no thoughts. I’ve been assessed by psychiatrists and they don’t see me as a danger to myself but i feel awful most of the time and th thoughts are getting so confusing that i don’t get it anymore. why would i feel bad about not being able to be something i don’t actually want to be and why doi feel and go along with thoughts that i feel im enjoying. I just want to be well, its too much and the only thing i have is honesty and the truth.