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    Choking on flowers

      Lately, I’ve been having OCD  and now I fear that I may not actually have it and that I’m probably just faking it, but somehow now it is shifting to another fear and that is actually being transgender. My whole life I’ve identified as a female. I’ve never had any distress about my gender identity. I always have seen myself as a girl my whole life and I don’t feel any discomfort with that at all. But lately, I’ve started to question some of my thoughts. Sometimes I’ve wondered what life would be like if I was male. At the time I didn’t really see this as an indication that I was trans, since I’ve heard from other girls that they usually wonder this too (and I have heard of cis men that also think about how life would be like too). I never saw it as anything deeper, but now I’m starting to fear that what if I secretly DO wish I had one? That I wish I were actually male and not female? I’ve also realized that most characters I relate to are male. I figured this is because most stories have male leads and not many female characters (or at least ones I actually relate to.) I just related to them in terms of personality and struggles they go through, and not really because they were males since I usually never pay attention to the gender of a character. But my mind has twisted this and wants me to believe that I relate to male characters because I actually want to be a boy. I’ve ALSO realized that most characters I’ve created are also male, but I have never considered their gender and how it relates to me at all. Many of my characters have some elements of myself implemented in them so that I can see myself in them. Nothing really ever indicated that it meant I wanted to be a boy. But now I’m just all worried this all means I actually wanna be a boy instead of a girl. I feel fine as a girl, I really do. And for the record, I have nothing against trans people at all. I consider myself a trans ally, and I have many friends who are also transgender, but I myself never considered being trans ever in my life nor do I wish to be the opposite gender.

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