The overcomplication of situations; it always seems to lead to guilt!

[On-the-mendParticipant]

So strangely enough, I am currently reading a book called “Letting go” by David Hawkins. I guess I need to heed the advice and instead of feeling guilt, just let go to love.

Nonetheless I will share my story.

So I am going through a divorce. I find myself in a strange limbo. I have moved out. My wife is currently living in the house I own until the sale goes through (I should imagine this will be in the coming months, all being well).

In the time apart, we have had many conversations. one quite recently involved the fact that, due to me being emotionally abusive to her (I spat at her in an egotistical rage) that she no longer views me in a safe capacity. Needless to say, this hurt me somewhat (more than likely dented my ego). I am now learning to value my thoughts as not so important for my current progression (I also had an addiction that I am distancing myself from, and have been for some months). I can also understand why my actions would have put her off in a way, as my behaviour was not acceptable and she no longer feels safe around me.

This aside, after said conversation, I felt like I need to stop clinging on to a woman that no longer wants me. A few days after, I began conversing with a woman on the checkout of my local supermarket. I found her attractive and she seemed very nice. As she handed over the receipt, I enquired as to whether she was single. She shook her head, implying “no”, and I told her that I thought I would ask as she is a very pretty woman. Fair enough. I felt good to have the confidence to do this, since its been probably around 8 years since I asked anybody out (have been with my wife for 7).

After this situation, the feeling changed a little, from self-confidence to some residual guilt, given the hard time I gave my wife for chatting to somebody else after we split up. I simply realized that even though I asked the girl out, I am not really ready to be seeing anybody, and I need to heal from the divorce and work on myself some more.

Then in more recent conversations with my wife, she reminded me of the fact that she had a difficult time on 27th december since this is the anniversary of us having a miscarriage around 5 years ago. That day coincided with the day I asked the girl out. I felt terrible and had a cry (I am much more emotional since giving up my addiction, which I think is much more healthy but not something I’m used to. When the miscarriage occurred, I did not react in the best possible way, due to a bereavement of my mother in the same year, amongst not feeling ready for a child at that point). I rung samaritans who assured me that asking the girl out on that date and the miscarriage being on the same day is just a coincidence and nothing more, which is a fair point.

But this is the clincher. I have let go of most of the guilt. It’s just the fact of now I feel weird about going in the supermarket. I don’t think I would have felt as weird if it wasn’t for the miscarriage thing, but  now, I feel like if I see the checkout girl again, it would be somehow wrong or weird of me to engage in any way, due to the miscarriage guilt.

Why does OCD make such apparently simple things seem riddled with guilt?

Writing all this makes me think that, in fact, it shows I still care for my wife somewhat, and that in a way makes me a compassionate person.

I also feel like I should not avoid the supermarket but maybe just avoid her till if she’s in their to lessen overcomplication (I don’t want to actively avoid things as it creates more fear).

Strangely, I got a text from my wife this morning, apologising for how things got when she was speaking to another guy, and that she has more understanding of that now as she was angry at the time and couldn’t really see how it would affect me. I guess it somehow makes me feel deceitful, even though I am single and free to go as I please.

I have no clue if any of this makes very much sense but I hope that somebody can understand and give a little direction. I think the direction is self-love and acceptance but am open to suggestions.

 

Thankyou and happy new year!

 

 

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