Ray78, reading you post brought tears to my eyes. I know exactly what you mean and it feels truly awful, I know. I empathise totally and wish things were different for you. My ocd started ‘properly’ when I was 20 and I will be 44 tomorrow! It’s hard to believe isn’t it, that this illness can do what it does? I understand the workings of the brain far more than I did, say ten years ago but that doesn’t seem to help. I have countless books on the subject, and like you have seen therapists on the NHS and privately at great cost. It’s completely exhausting and soul destroying. My heart goes out to you and everyone on here.