Please somebody help me i don’t want to try suicide again

[Karla SPGPParticipant]

So i been diagnosed with pure o and well my fears has always been, losing control, have schizophrenia, having a psychotic break, being psychotic and a long etc, and of course harm somebody, i have to say that i’m having a lot of anxiety since last year, my level right now is on top, i have to say i tried to kill myself in december for fear of believing thoughts that i knew they weren’t real but that’s another thing, what is causing me so much anxiety, and fear is that i have intrusive thoughts about my mother poisoning me, i know that’s no true, i fear that i’m gonna do something to my mother cuz i’m gonna believe It, and here comes the worst, when i’m having a lot of anxiety this happen and my psychology told me is my anxiety and ocd but i don’t think this is normal, well i’m gonna explain, when i’m checking to myself to see if those thoughts are true this happened, for a few seconds i believe that, i mean my mind knew and It was so sure that that’s what the true, feel like i lose control of myself and reality cuz to my mind for a few seconds is true that my mum is trying to poison me, is like i’m not longer in control of my mind, she decide that that’s is the truth, is like i know for a seconds that that’s the true, is real my mom is poisoning me, and after that happen i start having a panick attack, and that’s is how my last week has been, i been having a lot of panick attacks, and a lot of intrusive thoughts, like i’m going to eat and my mine is, she’s poisoning you, i left my water in the living room and my mind again she’s going to poison It, and i can’t take It anymore, cuz i love my mother with all my fucking heart, she’s the best mother i could ask for, so this is killing me, cuz i feel like i doubt, and that give me anxiety, i feel like is true and that give me anxiety, i feel like i’m suspicious of my mother and that give anxiety, and i was a little better i tried no to check mentally and for a day i got so much better i feel like i was having anxiety for nothing cuz is dumb, and i really try to no ruminate, but yesterday got another panick attack, i feel like i was having a psychotic break and i tried to kill myself, i just wanna know if someone has feel this, if this is normal cuz i believe is not, so please somebody please help me, because is like a lapse, and is like 2/3 seconds even tho sometimes It feel like an eternity, so that’s is, a lapse in wich my my mind take control over me, or im going crazy or i don’t know, but for those seconds i believe that that’s the true, my mind know is true, is the reality, is all true and i know is true and i feel It too, is like i stop being me, and im psychotic already cause my mind know is the pure true, and when that finnish just after that finnish i start having a panick attack, so i really wanna know if this is normal, is just my ocd or anxiety, please somebody please help me, and thank you in advance

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