Been on this forum for about 5 years or so. Background: I’ve had OCD in some form since about age 14. Gaps of 2 years at best without symptoms. Last 10 years, best I had was 8 months or so without symptoms. ast 10 years, theme has been existential inquiries that end up fruitless ping pong matches in my head. They aren’t rational (I just end up digging into a dead end existential inquiry that I recognize is my OCD). The trouble is when you (quite literally) feel that itch that can’t be scratched and the harder you scratch the worse it gets.
Cut to now: I’m a masters level professional, married and just had my first child last year. Strangely, I didn’t have really any OCD symptoms throughout the first 8.5 months of his life. His birth was a moment I’ll never forget and I’m so grateful that OCD was absent then, and I got to feel my emotions. (That’s the most tragic part of this condition is its ability to rob you of your emotions).
Because of the pandemic, I’m remote working 95% of the time. This was good, but I’m beginning to feel concerned that it’s because of this that I’m struggling more than usual to come out of this episode. My episodes are usually 2-3 weeks in duration. This spike’s origin was the last day or so of August. I was able to come out of it for a few weeks here, and a week there, but it’s persisted. My mother and brother also happen to be moving out of state (I’m in U.S.) and so I think all of these changes may also be contributing.
I just want my brain to not latch onto these “itches” and I wish my ability to fully acknowledge it as OCD and not “something that needs to be analyzed” were there. I just keep seeming to “slip back” into the theme.
I will say that the “itch” has been less and less pronounced as time has gone on, which is good. But the backdoor spike has been a real bitch. “Oh you aren’t afraid anymore. But you should be. Any rational person would be.” That’s when the depressive feelings start to set in.
I know I’ll get past this. I’ve continued to function as usual and I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. So that’s good. I just really could use some words of encouragement.
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