Hi,
It’s been a while since my last post. Overall I’m dealing with my OCD better now, I found a nice therapist, but still sometimes I start despairing over thoughts I can’t seem to share with anyone, if not anonymously on the internet… so I’m doing that again, hoping that someone can help me.
I’ve dealt with OCD for months and it’s still there to some extent, not as strongly at the moment because it shifted to another topic when I got a dog a month ago: my dog and OCD. Basically, I’m really, really scared of ending up harming my dog. I’m getting lots of intrusive thoughts, and while I can brush many off as just that – intrusive thoughts – some things get stuck in my mind because they just feel too real. For example, I like it when my dog and me cuddle. But whenever we do I remember scenes from a TV show I consumed that involved OCD, and my thoughts about my dog suddenly had a weird context and I start wondering if I would see that context even without my OCD, and I wonder if like it in a bad way.
A few days ago I was petting her head and while I was stroking over her snout I also touched her nose and kind of tried to put my finger in her mouth? I have no idea why I did that, and writing about it feels so weird. It could have been because I wanted her to nibble my finger, or it could have been because I wanted to “test” if I really do see it as something fun, or both. Either way, it now feels as if I did something very weird and that it was, due to the OCD context, animal abuse (even though she didn’t really care I guess). I’m just feeling horrible. Maybe I’m actually a zoophile that just happens to have OCD too. Or maybe this action was due to OCD, but if my OCD makes me do weird things that’s not an excuse. It only makes me scared that I’ll abuse animals just to “test” current fears. I just don’t know what to do. Please help me.
