Sometimes I don’t even know where to start. To be honest I can’t believe this has even happened to me. About some time ago around a month or so, I remembered a really awful childhood trauma. The details of it are graphic and I don’t think I’ll explain on here. But for around two to three weeks I was in constant rumination over the topic for such a long time, trying to mentally check things and I was wrapped in guilt and shame and disgust for myself. From this, it stemmed such awful intrusive thoughts and was making me believe I was this awful awful person. Even with sleep when I think it’s the best thing for me, it haunts me constantly in my dreams and it lead me to the brink of suicide many times. It was as if there was a want to carry out these awful things which I just never ever wanted to do. It was convincing me of an awful label. As soon as I think I’m okay with something my mind goes into a vicious cycle where it becomes negative. I’m scared I like these awful things. I thought I knew who I was. But this is just completely ripping me of any identity I think I had. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t think anyone could love me with these awful thoughts and feelings. It’s so bad I have to drop out of a career I genuinely loved. I really really loved. I have to drop out of university. And I’m angry. I’m so so so angry. Because it genuinely takes away your life. I know I’m young but I just feel so many awful things have happened to me in my life that it doesn’t feel as if things are ever going to get better. I’m miserable and depressed constantly. But most of all I’m just really scared. I don’t know if there’s anyone who can relate. But for whoever manages to read this. I hope to all things good you’ll come out winning in the end.
