Hello,
I always find myself thinking about my past, the things I did that weren’t healthy and I feel guilty for it, ashamed and that it’s happening all over again. For example I took too much pain medicines at one point, double dozing and I eventually realized it was not smart so actively changed that, but I can’t stop thinking about why I did it, and have these sort of memories of me at events and thinking ” I remember then when I was at that event I was doing not smart things ” so it makes me not enjoy the event itself. When the event is non related to the worries I’m even thinking, and this is hard.
I have to remember ever detail of why I did something, when did that bad habit start, what time of year was it, what were you thinking in that moment, and I can never remember fully because I’m guessing it’s impossible.
Same goes for alcohol, I had a bad spell for two years drinking five days a week, maybe 6. I figured out at one point I wanted to stop and I now have been only touching alcohol twice a week and I am really comfortable with that. However I can’t stop obsessing over what triggered it, the events and what my head was saying to me at that moment, so when I think of events around that time, shame and guilt kicks in and I can’t enjoy the happy memories. The happy memories are always non relevant things so I suppose I am saying I look back on everything with shame and guilt.
All I know is, I panicked about my health, liver and things and it all was fine and I’ve done tests every few months so that was like a compulsion. Its actually a compulsion telling you that specific part of the story, so I can feel relief in almost justifying that.
I think this is OCD but I don’t really have any ideas on how to forget the past, accept things happened and just do what I do now.
As I say, now I barely drink like I used too, I never take more pain relief than I need too and I’m likely healthier. Still a bit overweight but I’m a better version of myself than I was when I think of these things. I don’t know why that gives me shame and guilt and it’s hard to deal with
