Long Post

[ocdissuesParticipant]

I am a 23 year old male with a very complicated psychological history, most of my issues including depression, anxiety, and OCD stem from complex PTSD. I never questioned my gender growing up I played with boys, dressed and acted like a boy without any issues, even at the onset of puberty I never questioned my gender identity but my parents were also physically, verbally and emotionally abusive which means I basically repressed my feminine side.

I started to question it at the age of 16, after some guy called me a tranny, and I started worrying if it was true, I started getting very strange feelings of being female or feminine when I continued compulsively checking. I repressed it for a while but I was extremely avoident of anything related to transgenders and tried to force myself to act more masculine essentially suppressing my emotions in front of other people, this was also due to being severely bullied.

I noticed strange feelings sometimes like phantom tingles, some kind of feeling where I was imagining myself being the woman or parts of her but not completely., I might have had this before as well however there were other times where I believed I enjoy it as a man and could play the man role. I didn’t have a problem but I didn’t enjoy [content edited by moderators] very much, however I was also quite anxious but I didn’t identify as the women at the time.

I had similar fears of being gay, I’d have constant feelings around guys, anxiety and intrusive thoughts though I did have one in high school. Recently that went away and I started obsessing over if I was transgender, in the beginning it seemed ridiculous and I was just anxious. But I also realized I suppressed my feminine side, due to trauma and it came out very strongly.

Now sometimes I feel like I am a woman or want to be a woman and get mildly euphoric feelings mixed with anxiety, shame and fear of transitioning. Yet when I try to remove the fear I sometimes start feeling masculine and like a man again, this bodily sensations can be very intrusive but also occasionally euphoric. Sometimes I feel like I am half man and half women, these bodily sensations and feelings seriously seem like gender dysphoria.

I tried testing by wearing my mom’s pink sweater, heels and breathing in the scent of her clothes while I enjoyed the feeling I wasn’t sure if I would want to dress like that every day for the rest of my life. I used to have strong masculine feelings and think of myself as a man, but now I feel like I don’t want to be a man anymore, and feel disgust shame and fear at the idea of being a man or stuck in my toxic masculine role as a guy for the rest of my life. I feel like I want to experiment but also fear discovering I am transgender or just cis gender. I can’t deal with the idea that my whole identity as a man could have been a lie, there were many times I believed I truly enjoyed being a man.

I still live with my parents and they are no longer abusive, though not really affectionate, when I confided in them my dad told me he’d accept me even if I was transgender, but I am confused if I just want to be a woman to rebel against my parents or because sometimes I feel like an extension of my mom or if it’s genuinely who I am. I am also touch starved and felt like a man again when I hugged my parents, though the doubts came back.

I often believe my life would be eas8ier if I were born a woman, because I have had a very hard time finding social relationships in general, I was diagnosed with Asperger’s if that helps, but I also noticed I am very socially intuitive at times and believe my social problems stem from complex PTSD and potentially gender dysphoria. I feel hopeless as a man like I often don’t measure up to other men or am not really like them but this could also be because I was often bullied and still sometimes feel inferior to others. I also seem to vacillate between believing women are better people than men and all men are evil to all women are evil and men are superior to women. This makes it very difficult for me to determine my gender identity or if I just want the same kind of affection women get.

I had my whole life planned out as a man, going back to college, making some friends since I am completely socially isolated right now, but now I feel I can’t do anything out of fear of me not knowing my identity anymore. Sometimes I believe I want to be gender neutral but I am still afraid of being judged as weak if I show my feminine side to people.

[Author]

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