Doomed and I deserve it

[Dreamcatcher62Participant]

I’ve had ocd for nearly over 10 years. I had bad POCD about a year or more ago. It got that bad that I had to google search images to test myself.

I’ve recently developed depression again and my OCD has been the cause and that’s gotten worse, like the guilt of what I did in the past.

It wouldn’t leave me alone with what I’ve done in the past and I want back on the images I searched to reassure myself that I am not attracted and have nothing to worry about. I just feel bad and wrong though, because they were google image searches and they were nude photos.

I am a creep aren’t I? Even thought it was solely for checking. I am still a creep. I know I will never marry and I deserve it. Has anyone else done this? Has anyone else had their ocd go this far and you’ve resorted to this? Or am I just an absolute disgusting vile monster

[MeloParticipant]

 

Hey, I hope everything’s going well with you. OCD isn’t just about intrusive thoughts and feelings, but also compulsions. In my opinion, everyone has different ones. I’ve heard of people who test their reactions to mental images, others look at real people in real life and try to assess how they feel when looking at them. I also believe that something like typing the word starting with “P” into Google or entering something into Google Images and clicking on it is a compulsion too.

 

That’s a checking compulsion. Some people will argue and insist that’s not true, saying people with this kind of OCD avoid checking at all costs. In my opinion, that’s nonsense. OCD can escalate to that level, especially when it’s extremely intrusive. Of course, it’s never okay to look for real videos, but I understand situations where someone types something into a regular search engine and accidentally falls into a trap. I really do understand the urge to seek reassurance.

 

You shouldn’t do it, but I believe it’s a compulsion you can lose control over. I didn’t see anything, but I did click on something suspicious on Google. A notification popped up, and it snapped me back to reality, because deep down, I didn’t want to see anything! I probably would’ve thrown up or gotten really scared. “I don’t recommend anyone typing strange things into Google—you won’t find anything anyway. But I understand the intention, the impulse that commands you to check. You shouldn’t listen to it. Believe me, a person who truly is that kind of person doesn’t feel guilt and searches for all kinds of horrible things beyond just regular Google. In this case, it’s a compulsion—the urge to seek confirmation.”

 

 

 

 

[MeloParticipant]

But if you somehow saw some images on Google, and it was purely due to a compulsion accompanied by fear and horrible feelings, it’s still checking—but don’t do it again. Forget it ,it was OCD compulsion.

 

You need to accept that it was an OCD impulse, and not do it again because it’s not necessary. Ground yourself, use relaxation techniques, and maybe look at it from a spiritual perspective—that maybe this horror had a purpose, to make you aware of something, perhaps a hidden memory of being a victim? Maybe it was meant to torment you so that later, when things calm down, you could appreciate life more? Or maybe someone told you all your life that you were a bad child? Who knows if it has deeper meaning or not.

 

I’m definitely sure that people who truly are like this don’t care about it, or they aren’t trapped in that spiral of self-torture, and don’t feel disgust or uncertainty.

 

Look at how unfair it is that a stupid illness steals our time, our lives, and pushes us into delusions and false beliefs, making us think they’re real and forcing us to confirm them—what a cruel illness. I wish everyone with this type of OCD a wonderful life, free from the guilt this disease creates.

 

Limit the internet. In general, I think people with OCD should limit it or avoid using it altogether, just like people with ADHD. I was thinking recently… how nice were the times when nothing took up our time, and we weren’t constantly urged to check everything, read, and compare ourselves to others, etc.

 

 

 

 

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