Hi – I can relate to every word you’ve posted. I have OCD and am familiar with Harm OCD having experienced the same theme myself.
It can really freak you out when you are holding a knife and you feel like youre body/brain wants to respond to a ‘command’ but you know its not true and not really happening.
OCD voice can shout ‘commands’ which can be very distressing, like ‘stab him’ etc. Sometimes its visual – which is terrifying.
It can make you doubt who you are and make you question everything about yourself.
I am currently seeing a therapist for CBT / ERP and constantly amazed that she has never called the police to take me away! The work im doing with her is so valuable – i strongly recommend looking for a therapist for exposure response prevention and CBT.
Take care, you will be ok xxx