Reply To: I am a not a good man

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

Hello, I want to talk about this again.  Me and my wife have been doing great, and she seems to have got over this, however I am now back feeling the shame, the panic when she said ” she found out ”

I remember when I was younger and my friends found my transexual dtuff and destroyed me for it, they humiliated me and publicly shamed me, which I have just finished therapy and realized it wasn’t my fault, but that same panic and shame stays with me.  It’s what I feel similar to how I feel about this, not good at feeling the panic and fear and letting it go.  This was different as my wife didn’t shame me, she actually went down the route of she understands but doesn’t like it, but that initial panic, still feel it like it’s happened.  My wife must have had such mad panic and fear as well, but I focus on it, I obsess on it and live in the trauma.

I even seen this video on [Moderator comment: please don’t include the source of disturbing media and/ or enough details so other users can search for it], and I seen one about a man who is a tried, and basically made a minor do unbelievably disgusting things via what ever media outlet he was using.  Absolutely disgusting and his wife sat there while he put his hand on her leg and she let him.  He sat there as if he had just done something morally wrong and not horrific, and then it’s got my OCD into over drive where it’s now telling me ” that’s you, how do you know one day you won’t do what he did?  He found it OK, one day you will too and then I literally live in that moment, I am living as if I am that person and they is truly heartbreaking.  It brings back thus fear of being exposed back in the day by my friends, and I think that’s why I feel this fear.  Does anyone have advice on how to life with ” what if worries ” or looking back at trauma without this feeling, or maybe even learning to live with the feelings?

As I say, me and my wife have been doing really well, one major argument but we really sorted things out, having more and I am way happier and I know she is too.  Well I wanted to check in with her tonight and talk about these things and one of our things we agreed on was to check in with one another and talk, and she has been doing this way more.

Plus talking about the trauma and my frnds who bullied me, shamed me has been great as now I am not that ashamed anymore about it and know I did nothing wrong