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      So today did not go all too well. I left my friend’s place and went back to the student apartment. There had indeed been people to clean up, it looked better than before. In the second bathroom however there was still ash on the floor and the whole bathroom smells from all the smoke. I still felt nearly physically sick in “my” room. And it is still hard not to think so much about how I would like to have my friend’s room on the same floor, not only because it is cleaner but also because “my” room shares walls with both bathrooms and the kitchen, and right in front of my window there is a construction side. Lots of noise from everywhere…
      End of the story is, I could not do it. I used my scarce money to check into a hotel till Monday. There will be another cleaning of the apartment on Monday (a general one they conduct in every apartment twice a year).
      So here I am in my hotel bed, hungry, not sure if I will be able to finally stay in the room from Monday on or not. Or if I have to fly back home after all, which my parents would never really forgive me.
      It is childish but it feels like life was always serving me the biggest possible burden. I felt so stupid when I walked into the hotel today but I saw no other way…

      Sometimes I wonder if these kinds of fears (fear of a certain room, fear that a weird/disgusting person has lived there before, perceiving smells that are perhaps not even there) are even OCD. Anyhow it is terrible. It had always been my dream to study/live in Scandinavia and now I finally have to accept that, of course, here I am just as haunted as everywhere else.

      I am still trying to find a way to save my studies and finish the programme no matter how. It makes me sad that my parents are sad… I used to be one of the best students at school, everyone thought I was going to “be something”. Now my parents especially are just so disappointed…and I am too.

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