Old compulsions and checking

[yearsandyearsParticipant]

I am now at a place where my ocd fears are so much easier to manage since doing ERP and am on the right medication. I had been feeling so much happier,but now<i> </i>I am constantly thinking about how I was 30 years ago ,before knowing that I had ocd. I feel so guilty of all the things I did for reassurance which I now know were testing or checking compulsions. I ended up having a mental breakdown and I worry as some of the horrible compulsions involved my children although I know they do not remember any of this and were not even aware of it,

I never ever harmed them or anyone else though  as my checking and testing things were all to prevent harm,  as some of the horrible compulsions involved them I am getting into a bit of a state over this. I find myself wanting to tell them everything about the things I did , but as they dont remember I feel it would be unfair as it obviously had no impact on them, and it would probably me just to make myself feel a bit better, is this just another kind of compulsion? i Am I thinking too much into this as I myself was so traumitised at the time. I really feel if I hadnt have done those testing and checking things I may not have been here now.
Please help me if you can as I have been so happy that I am now managing my ocd , and my children are now happy adults with their own little families   , they are my world and always have been , I have had this horrible thing for almost  60 years and want to put it behind me but this latest thing is getting me down.

[ArchiveParticipant]

Hi there.

It is so easily to try and take responsibility for other peoples lives and happiness. And yet, as hard as we try, nothing is ever gonna feel good enough…And yet, they all survive anyway…  My own thing was food hygiene, in a care environment… Nothing was ever good enough. I look at it this way…  ‘No one can ever say I didn’t try…’ That is quite a powerful statement. I don’t say ‘tried’, cos that could mean a failure, a less than positive outcome, which may or may not have happened recently.

The food hygiene argument has been going on for years, but a guy has cut through a lot of the stress by coming up with the word ‘Bontamination’. It can be found on google, and looks like a really good idea…Especially after the COVID crisis…

It sure isn’t easy, is it?

Wannabe

 

[Forum Moderators]

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[Author]

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