I feel even more like a disgusting person everyday. What’s causing me to write this is that I had this thought of other people doing things after being reminded of a show that displays a relationship with adults. I felt the need to prove that I didn’t like this thought by thinking of this type of relationship with different ages. But then I felt like I enjoyed it and felt a sensation briefly just as I was about to move on as a image popped into my head. I immediately felt this overwhelming sense of dread. The same dread I feel when having a nightmare, but waking up and realizing it was all fake. But instead I can’t wake up. I then started crying, because I feel like I’m some type of wierdo and it makes me want to die so badly, the only thing that makes me want to live is not wanting to traumatize my family. I’m just so tired of torturing myself everyday nonstop. I decided I can’t sleep tonight. I had a nightmare last night related to both ocd and harm ocd and woke up at five in the morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. I can’t take any risks of that again tonight, especially after this. I just want to think normally again. Now I’m starting to doubt if I ever did.
