OCD has taken away my life and identity

[TryingToDoBetterParticipant]

Sometimes I don’t even know where to start. To be honest I can’t believe this has even happened to me. About some time ago around a month or so, I remembered a really awful childhood trauma. The details of it are graphic and I don’t think I’ll explain on here. But for around two to three weeks I was in constant rumination over the topic for such a long time, trying to mentally check things and I was wrapped in guilt and shame and disgust for myself. From this, it stemmed such awful intrusive thoughts and was making me believe I was this awful awful person. Even with sleep when I think it’s the best thing for me, it haunts me constantly in my dreams and it lead me to the brink of suicide many times. It was as if there was a want to carry out these awful things which I just never ever wanted to do. It was convincing me of an awful label. As soon as I think I’m okay with something my mind goes into a vicious cycle where it becomes negative. I’m scared I like these awful things. I thought I knew who I was. But this is just completely ripping me of any identity I think I had. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t think anyone could love me with these awful thoughts and feelings. It’s so bad I have to drop out of a career I genuinely loved. I really really loved. I have to drop out of university. And I’m angry. I’m so so so angry. Because it genuinely takes away your life. I know I’m young but I just feel so many awful things have happened to me in my life that it doesn’t feel as if things are ever going to get better. I’m miserable and depressed constantly. But most of all I’m just really scared. I don’t know if there’s anyone who can relate. But for whoever manages to read this. I hope to all things good you’ll come out winning in the end.

[Ray78Participant]

I relate very much. OCD – and it’s not just me who believes this – is a very traumatic condition to have for many people. I’ve met a lot of sufferers face to face (and online) and not one was an awful person regardless of what was going on in their mind. I’ve had the most terrifying experiences with OCD my whole adult life and it’s impacted on my career, relationships with family members and much more. However with hindsight – and I hope this is helpful – despite what I feared I never lost my identity. It just felt that way. I can read between the lines – your post I mean – and really feel for you because I know exactly what it’s like to feel terror at the prospect of becoming …. in my case … one of them. This started in 1995 – 1995! I can’t believe it to be honest BUT It’s been very manageable at times (sometimes lengthy periods of time) and I did pretty well academically, professionally for a number of years, travelled widely, got married and more. My point being is you can have a life despite OCD or with it I mean. You’re not your thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are “ego dystonic” which means they’re not in sync with how we identify ourselves – they’re unacceptable. It’s not the thoughts as everyone has thoughts they don’t like, are freaked out by etc – it’s the way OCD sufferers react to them that’s the problem. Try to be a little kinder to yourself – this isn’t your fault and you sure didn’t ask for this to happen and neither did I. Are you receiving any treatment?

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