i’ve done something awful and i can’t stop thinking about it

[ihateocdsomuchParticipant]

for context i’m 19F and i’ve had OCD since i was 6 – it was very bad when i was 14 with a lot of obscene and unwanted sexual intrusive thoughts, but it hadn’t been bad for years until now.

within the past few days ive been feeling so disgusted with myself and i feel like im using ocd as an excuse because i did a bad thing and i can’t stop thinking about it. ive had a lot of thoughts which ive been feeling my very guilty about but this one is currently playing hugely on my mind and its not just a thought it’s something ive actually done and i feel terrible about it

basically a couple months ago i was in the club, very very drunk, it was pretty crowded and me and all my friends were dancing in a circle. behind me there was another circle of boys who we kind of knew and i had a small crush on one of them. that group of boys was facing one way and i was facing in the other so we were back to back direction. when i was dancing i kind of pushed myself up against the guy behind me a bit – i thought the guy i had a crush on was behind me but it could’ve been someone else i honestly dont know – and just got too close and i think my ass was touching him for a bit

after a short period of time (probably like 7-10 seconds but i don’t want to underestimate) i moved forward cuz i realised it was really weird and didnt want him to think i was a pervert. i dont think he even noticed. but now i literally feel so disgusted with myself and i cant help but thinking that ive committed sexual assault. whether he noticed or not is besides the point and the fact i was drunk is no excuse – i dont know what to do.

i’m even more sickened with myself because ive definitely done this before other times in the club when im really drunk, just kind of pushing myself slightly on whatever guy is behind me. just for a few seconds but still im literally disgusted and i cant believe i would ever do that. im very inexperienced (the most ive ever done is kissed 2 people, ive never done anything sexual) and i feel like a disgusting predator and i feel like im no better than the creepy men who come into clubs and grind on women without consent i genuinely feel horrible and i feel like i dont deserve friends and need to confess to them all but if i confessed i feel like id lose everyone and everyone would know i was an awful person
<p style=”text-align: center;”>i dont know what to do please help i feel like a disgusting pervert and like all my friends need to know what kind of person i am</p>

[weemanParticipant]

I wrote a long reply but it didn’t read very well at all. I mentioned some things that I couldn’t express well at all. so here is short version!

I think you are being much to hard on yourself and do what you can to put it behind you. You have identified that doing this makes you feel bad so you have seen this causes you distress so if in club again think if I do this it will cause me weeks of anxiety.

If it’s something you only do when had a few too many maybe cutting down could also help.

Please don’t let this eat you up! I let far too many things eat me up when I was in my late teens/early 20’s and I massively regret spending souch time worrying about things back then. Go out there and enjoy yourself! Just if drinking too much is an issue drink less and you’ll find you will enjoy yourself much more as could reduce worry and anxiety

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