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    Choking on flowers

      This is all over an intrusive thought I got just now but hear me out.

      Today I went out on a walk with my mom, and everything was fine for the whole trip. Then we had a conversation about my old school and how I used to be treated harshly there, and I got really upset because I was remembering all the people who did horrible things to me and my friends. But my mom then said that I shouldn’t feel upset because it’s all in the past and I have to let it go, even though everything that happened back then affected me a lot in terms of my self-image, social skills, basically everything. Then the conversation changed and we moved onto talking about my internship and how I’m also getting paid money. Then I decided to act cocky as a joke towards my mother and I said: “and you can’t have any”. Then she looked at me in the same level of cockyness and she said “yeah but I work hard to buy things for you” and I jokingly said, “yeah but it’s my money and I won’t buy anything for you”. At the time, I saw this as a joke and nothing more, but then we got inside the house and my mom started telling everyone else in the room about what I had just said, and I felt pretty embarrassed. Then I said I was gonna go to my room and change, and I expected my mom to say something along the lines of “alright” or “okay” or something, but instead, she just said “go over there then” rather harshly for some reason and made a gesture telling me to get out of there. So I went in and changed into my normal clothes, and then I just laid down on the bed waiting for my mom to enter the room but she didn’t for some reason…Then I heard voices outside and I’m not sure what they were talking about but I heard something about the money I think. I could hardly hear anything because the AC was on. Then all of a sudden I hear a loud noise as if the door was shut. So I stayed in the room for a while longer, and once I figured my mom wasn’t coming in I decided to walk out and I find that my mom is no longer home. She didn’t tell me that she was heading out soon, so now I’m worried that she got so mad or upset at my behavior that she decided to leave. I was planning to apologize but I’m not even sure if what I said even offended her in the first place, or if I’m just reading too much into it. Then my dad said “has your mom come back yet?” and we said no. I have no idea what to do and I don’t know if this is all my fault. I feel like it is. I have a long history of making people upset with my jokes because I have no idea how to make it clear that I’m joking and playing around because of my tone. I feel so ashamed. And I feel like if I apologize my mom will berate me, and if I don’t she will not talk to me until I do. I’m not sure what to do and I don’t know where she went or where she is.

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