False memory OCD, please help me ( could trigger I’m so sorry)

[OcdocdocdParticipant]

Is this OCD? Someone please help me. I’m absolutely beside myself

So long story short I have been diagnosed with OCD from a young age and can remember having shocking feelings and thoughts as young as 9 years old, maybe before. Anyway, it kind of went away and then came back terribly when I read a book about serial killers around age 15. I was bed bound thinking I would become a serial killer or that I’d already harmed people. Eventually this progressed onto that I’d harmed young uns in the past in vile ways and I got where I didn’t want to be around kids full stop and I’d distance myself from them. Eventually I went on medication and it became easier to handle UNTIL around 12 years ago. I went to my friends house and got insanely drunk, 2 days later (approx) I woke up with a jolt almost and utter panic with a thought that I may have harmed her kids (one or both) while she nipped to the shop. Obviously this absolutely tore me in two. So, what did I do? I confessed to her. And asked her to ask her kids if they were okay. Of course she was mortified but everyone around me was telling me it was my OCD, so I retracted what I said and said it was my OCD. You can’t imagine the pain I was in, mentally. I kept going over that night over and over and over and could not function with the mere possibility that is harmed them in unimaginable ways. Eventually the thought just stuck to the boy and has done ever since. Which makes me think maybe I did do it? Because it just stays with the boy now. What also bothers me is they will have been too young to say anything if anything did happen. But 12 years has gone by and nothing has been said, my friend is still my friend. I’ve not seen her in years because I moved away but we still talk and her kids are in their teens now. So I managed to put this thought behind me for years, it was always there but I could get on with my life. Up until a few months ago, it got triggered and now IT WILL NOT GO AWAY. And it seems so real. I really don’t know what to do. I realise I sound incredibly selfish worrying about myself and what might happen to me if it comes out that I did do something. But I dont want to lose my husband and my family. This is driving me to insanity. I see a professional and they’ve told me it’s my OCD. But what if it isn’t? If it’s just OCD why has it stuck around for 12 god damn years? I’d hate to think I’m capable of harming anyone, let alone children. I no longer want to be near them. I cry everyday. I feel like I don’t deserve a good life. All I do is think about that night. I feel disgusting. Can anyone relate to this? Also please be honest if you think I’m a terrible person, I’ll have to accept it somehow.

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