Lately I can’t stop engaging in compulsive behaviors. Whenever I get a thought of myself as a guy, my mind instantly goes on repeating the words “No I’m a girl” over and over again for a really long time until I feel just right. Sometimes it happens without me even realizing I’m doing it. Also, I keep taking a bunch of gender dysphoria quizzes to see if I’m trans or not, and most of them tell me that I’m cis, which makes me feel good, but then I get the thought that says “you lied while answering the questions, didn’t you?” and then I feel obligated to either take the test again or take another quiz to see if I get the same answer but with different questions. And then it becomes this constant loop of having to take a bunch of gender identity quizzes. Every single time I get the same result, but after taking them I feel doubtful. Another compulsion is that I constantly compare myself to other girls and ask myself if I identify with their bodies, to which I tell myself yes, but then I doubt myself. Then I compare myself to boys and their bodies and I ask if I’d want to look like them, which I say no. I honestly don’t like imagining myself becoming a man, but I feel unsure and begin to check if I prefer being a girl or a guy. Its all over the place. I also constantly write my preferred gender pronouns to make sure they sound right, and refer to myself in those pronouns in my head to see if it sounds right, and I believe it does. When I check how male pronouns would sound, they sound off and mildly uncomfortable. But now for some reason, I don’t get intense anxiety as much as I used to about it, which makes me scared that maybe I DO like to be referred to as such, but I don’t think I do. I’m pretty sure I’m comfortable with she/her pronouns, then the minute I say that to myself I get nervous because I then think what if I’m actually NOT ok with being referred to as a girl and I’m just saying that because I’m in deep denial? I’m so deep in all these compulsions, that it all seems like a part of everyday life to me. I have no idea how to stop it all, and its gotten way too out of control for me to handle.
