Reply To: I am a not a good man

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

Hi wannabe.  I don’t usually tease my wife and when I do I am bad at it.  I think taking myself less seriously would help.  I’ll try and do that as it may be the answer to feeling upset when my wife says things that she thinks is not upsetting but I find annoying.

I just keep on feeling guilt, shame and fear over past events or future events.  It’s like trauma in the past vs flash forwards and it’s so hard.  I have the health visitor tomorrow for our two year old and I can’t feel excited about it.  It’s not like it’s normal nerves, IRS full on panic for me which isn’t a way to live.  I keep thinking ” what if she asks me about my mental health, and says because I have history of anxiety I need to be monitored with my parenting, they are going to be suspicious of me ” and it makes me feel anger and hate towards people who are otherwise good people.  I used to drink more than I’d have liked when my daughter was born, I cut down quite a bit and now only drink about twice a week, but in my head I am thinking ” she knows, she has noted this, and she will question and quiz me on my life style and have no choice but to get child services involved.  What if she knows what medication I am on and thinks ” this is not right, this man is not a good person ”

Its really hard and makes me feel really poorly to be honest.  I can’t seem to feel peace from my past and get images of me in the past when I felt I was a bit more problematic.  Fear, terror and guilt with every feeling, as if I am constantly feeling judged.

I sometimes feel sad even thinking about it, because I am such a good Dad, I changed completely and take my responsibility seriously, which is something I didn’t even think I could do.  I was scared to be a Dad because of these worries, and went ahead with it anyway knowing I had a great wife who would be there with me and I am glad I did.  I think I feel sad when I think back because I was dealing with my own worries and maybe feel guilt that I wasn’t appreciating my amazing baby.  I sometimes feel I was never there and often feel that way to be honest.

I really just want to maybe close this thread with some sort of plan going forward as even with therapy it never completely heals me and I come back to the same worries.

 

When I was a kid or going adult I didn’t care about any of these things, now I’m the opposite, so it is all relative to how I suppose react to every thought and every feeling.

 

Thanks jona, I hope you are ok, I am thankful yous respond and hopefully one day I’ll have the courage to offer others advice, as when i do think of giving advice as in sure I do have advice as I’ve achieved many great things even with this debilitating condition, the fear of letting go and helping is like I am accepting I am cured if that makes sense.