Reply To: I am a not a good man

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

Hi Johna,

 

First I want to thank you for responding and engaging, that you are a good person for that.  I hope others find you’re advice and opinions helpful.

I suppose you’re right I can rest assured I’m not a bad person if I can care and understand my mistakes.  I just feel it’s back to worrying over it, and I now am stuck in the cycle of I did wrong, she will leave me and I can never forgive myself.  It is an unforgivable thing and that’s how my head is feeling.  I kind of don’t know how to put it into perspective without invalidating my wife.  I could say it wasn’t a big deal, it was a silly mistake and I was unhappy with my thoughts so tried to change them, I didn’t embrace them quite like how she may think.  That makes me feel like I am pushing aside her feelings as it would have hurt her more.  So I effectively get worried because I feel like a bad person who doesn’t deserve forgiveness.

 

She was out with me tonight and put a post on Facebook with us saying ” we are out for the night, and let the husband come out tonight “. I feel a tad sensitive to that but she says it’s a joke, and I said I know but why joke if you don’t mean it?  Is it just teasing or is it a passive aggressive way of saying I am boss and that’s it.  Maybe I could learn to accept such little jokes.  It’s quite a common joke among married couples, but I don’t quite know it even understand if I am over sensitive and it’s ok to have a bit of fun.  She never tells me what to do in all honesty, I don’t think she’s ever in her life told me I can’t do something.

 

Plus when she is drunk she sometimes makes little comments like ” Gary no one is listening to you and smiles, and I say no don’t say that, not cool, aw it’s a joke is what I get, but she says it’s always a joke and I think I never say things like that when I’m pissed.  I told her when we got home it’s disrespectful and she says it’s just teasing Gary, and I say yeah but I have had to make changes and feel terrible for how I hurt you, you’re hurting me by poking fun at me when your drunk.

 

To be fair I said I will take it with a pinch of salt as I’m sure it’s harmless.  It’s not like it goes with her bossing me around, maybe people just know I am easy wound up so that’s why it happens.

 

My problem is, I am not witty enough to respond.

 

I feel I am stuck in mind set of ” I am wrong, I am the problem ” which then leads to me thinking my wife and others think badly of me.

I did respond to her saying ” you are very lucky having a husband who is tidy and drives to parties when other husband’s don’t make the effort ”

 

Her work friend said ” yeah I’d be grateful for a husband like you ” and my wife instantly agreed so I would in my own like to think she felt threatened as if others think that, then maybe she’s being a bit unfair.  I was surprised she actually said ” that’s very true ”

 

But she always has sarcastic remarks about things and says ” I am soooooo lucky you have a great husband ”  when we are maybe arguing but she isn’t actually emotional enough to outright tell me ” you are a good husband and you don’t need to be, you chose to be ”

 

I think over the years I have become far more sensitive as in our earlier years of dating and marriage I didn’t really care or require compliments or reassurance so it’s partly on me too.

 

Any advice on that?  Do you understand what I am saying?