Reply To: I am a not a good man

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

I challenge my thoughts to try and see what’s real and what’s just not true, so I wrote down the thoughts as I was feeling like I was some sort of creep and I wasn’t feeling good so I just wanted to break that worry down.   Sadly that worry then moved from that to now thinking I’m unfaithful.  I felt great and have been past it but don’t anymore.  I don’t find the girl to be someone is be interested in, I just see her every day at work and it’s probably not Al to then think about her.  For that I have the guilt .  Today she was speaking to me a out her ex boyfriend and asking me for advice so it’s safe to say we are friends, but I have never gotten to that point, I never go to anyone else other than my wife for discussions, I never speak of my personal life really to that women, I just like to think about her sometimes, then other times I couldn’t care less.  I would say I have done that most of my life and I believe I just like the idea of being in relationships, the excitement to begin with is probably why I do it, that’s what I’ve gathered from it and I am trying to accept and not feel guilty.  Her life is chaotic, she is not the type of person I’d even consider asking out, but she is the type of person I would be with, I can’t deny that, some women are attractive.  I’m now thinking I’m having an emotional affair and I am panicking, but I know I’m not engaging at all in any emotions with anyone other than my wife or family.  I like to talk about my kids, work sometimes or general stuff in day to day.  I couldn’t tell you one thing about her other than what she tells me.  I am definitely much more laid back and can distance myself.  I feel like the only thing that’s at play is lust and the fact that she always engages in conversations with me that are about world problems.  I love a good Convo with anyone, about world war, covid politics, so I’d do that with anyone.

I never speak of anything personal to anyone, but online says emotional affair I’d to think about others which is making me feel worse.  Half the time I am talking about married life, my kids and that’s it.

Every time she moans about her ex partner I always try and get out the convo as I don’t like feeling like I can be told those things.  It makes me feel like I am apart of your life and I’m not.  Today I asked her why she wanted to tell me about him and she said because you listen I suppose, I said I’m only listening because I have too, I don’t actually care and she looked puzzled.  Its the truth.

I think all this worry panic is in my head and I just simply had or have a little crush on her that isn’t a big deal because I am not acting on it, I just think it’s nice to think about women, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over that.

Shes not nice either, she was one of those ” won’t wear a mask and get vaccined ” during covid, then said mental health is all a myth so effectively she’s just got so many horrendous traits I know it’s just a fantasy and I wish I could accept that.