Reply To: I am a not a good man

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

This has just become my own blog story basically lol.  She said earlier I was to leave the room while she got changed and that hurt me more than anything, like I’m an invader and all I did was have a thought.  I know how it can hurt her but I have to continue feeling the shame like this?  It doesn’t seem fair at all, she wasn’t bad about it and I just said OK.  I usually sleep in bed different times anyway as we work different shifts and sometimes we do sleep in at same time, and I said well what about tomorrow night we are both up early so I’ve to go away, she says no it’s fine.  I said but now I won’t feel comfortable so I probably won’t, but I said I can’t understand am I too keep feeling guilty, I have done all I can and will do what I can but I just can’t pretend like I will stop being a man who thinks about it. She says I know, and seems to be fine with it.

I said well I remember when we first started dating you slept in the same bed as a friend and this was when we were serious, you openly told me.  I was horrendous for so long about that and decided to trust you, I said can’t I make a mistake?  Even though neither of them are mistakes unless a line was crossed but you shared a bed with an actual human, I only have those thoughts.  Her response was she knows she maybe shouldn’t have done that, so I suspect thats crossed her mind.  I think this has to be both ways, she has to try and understand I’m a male man who is attracted to women, and that I have to carry that burden and it doesn’t seem totally fair.  Both of us surely have to learn to be more open and understanding of mistakes.  Where my only mistake was letting her into my mind basically.  So I’m now angry about it, but also think that’s really selfish of me.

It feels like I’m not allowed to make foolish mistakes and she is?

Am I looking at this wrong?  I want to forgive myself and I can’t because I don’t truly know what I’m forgiving myself for