Reply To: I am a not a good man

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

Thanks Johna.  We have talked massively tonight and I told her why I think those thoughts, what it means.  It means yes there is times I find her good looking, I will think those thoughts about her as I am just a man,that it only goes there, just a thought.  I explained I wasn’t feeling good about myself always thinking about it, always being on my mind and that’s something I have been aware of for many years.  That was hard for me to actually say but I said it.  I said I would happily go without it to you for the rest of my life, and maybe I’ve got used to not doing it and I am to blame for that also.  I said I cannot turn off my thoughts and I don’t find them scary, I panic and feel guilty for them and that’s what my problem and worry was.  Why am I always thinking of that women, I need to write this down, I don’t like her that much, she’s ok, but she’s open about it and is one of those people so that’s always good for a man.  That’s all it is.

She says she knows I fancy other women and I didn’t deny it, she says she doesn’t mind, she just cannot believe I thought it of someone she classes as ” skanky ” which ironically is the attraction for me, which j didn’t disclose, as that’s not the type of person I want to be with.  A one off when I was single of course, but she added that sometimes I talk about women and don’t realise and she was hurt that I was writing in the diary about a women as she was sitting next to me.  She said it will take her long to get over it to feel better about herself, and me, but knows I would not cheat which made me feel much better.  I said I just have never lied to you, I can’t lie to you, I want to be honest and I want you to tell me things, anything no matter how messed up it is, I will feel great If you do because I’ll feel like you’ve needed me and it’s nice to be needed.  She’s not an open person and that’s fine, but she is an amazing person.  The reason I am not angry is because I think I have been wanting to tell her as I always feel guilty for my thoughts about other women and I don’t want too live with that burden.  Its going to give me a heart attack if I continue to stress.  I said the thoughts are random, come in and it’s a nice thought then I will think about it and move on.  Yes what I wrote down was [content edited by moderators] , basically I wrote it down exactly as my head said it, and then I work through the thoughts to see what they mean.  Maybe it’s normal and I can control it better, I’m sure people here know about the four questions, for the thoughts being true, against, other ways, action plan etc. The thoughts fill me with shame and I end up telling myself I’m a freak, bad and disgusting which was only reinforced when she said she found it disgusting, so I am not at all sure how to turn off the thoughts or let them be.  I understand infatuation is likely at play, and there is ways to get out of that.  I don’t know if this is a good chat, it felt good and she said she loved me before bed.  I want to be less forward with women and I don’t want to be that guy who’s regarded as creepy at work, so I don’t want to have anything come across as creepy.  Yes I like talking to women as I find it easy, but I can learn to be more respectful to my wife and adopt the policy of if she would not like this conversation I will stop it.  I don’t think there’s anyone I can say I have ever felt I wanted to be with, because I’ve never given myself the opportunity.

Regards her leaving me, yes I am so Insecure, I don’t feel I can live alone, I don’t feel I can be a Dad alone, I don’t think I am worth much value and would be left completely alone with nothing.  That’s a fear of mines so I think I need to do something about that.  For starters I can be better with money and saving so I know I can be fine, I always run out of money and use our joint account, I make less money as well so that scares me.  I could try and clear my overdrafts a bit so I have no outstanding personal debt and that would make me feel more in control of myself.

I think there’s plenty I can be better at.  I just don’t know how to not feel guilty about the thoughts or how I can move forward and be happy with my desires.  I was 19 when my friends raided my computer and found out what I was watching, I was shamed by them for it, couldn’t face the world, so when this happened it felt the same, so I don’t want to go down that route of shame again.  I told my wife years back about that after keeping it to myself for so long and she didn’t even care, she said is that it?  I said aye, she said well I respect it and know you are going to have desires or watch adult stuff.  She has been here for me through it all, I can’t return the favor by not appreciating her feelings, so I want to find a way to move forward being a man, but also not allowing myself to burden my head with shame over my thoughts  They are nice thought so and if I was single I would probably would not worry about them.

I said yes one week I might fancy Britney spears, the next week I might fancy Margot Robbie, or have a man crush on Brad Pitt.  Its the same with actual people, I just know that’s all it is and the desire to do anything a about it doesn’t exist.  Like I wanted a can of red bull earlier so I went to the shop and got a can.

Maybe I do have an issue with these thoughts, I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because I’m always anxious and when I think about its my body’s response.