I think I am anxious eveyr second of every day and therefore I am quite highly physically strung I think.  Usually when drunk or totally relaxed I barely even think about it, never mind a specific women.  My issue is, I do get myself infatuated with a good looking women, I don’t act on it, but I like to think about it with some of them every now again and specific details, I don’t see that as unhealthy, I just feel guilty for it and can’t seem to handle this anymore.  I feel like I am confused, what is this, as I know good and well when I think deeper into feelings, these women are not people I want to be with romantically.  I am very much aware of what initially attracts me to a women, nice person and it’s not her.  I feel gulty for having these thoughts and it’s destroying me, as if any women came up to me and said I’m thinking wat you’re thinking, I’d panic, because ten it’s real and I don’t want it to be real.  I feel like I’ve cheated and my wife will leave me when I know i’ve not, and was actually feeling guilty for thinking about other women which is why I as jotting down.  She said what I jotted down was too descriptive, and repulsed her to think of it.  Why I don’t know, I am thinking about legal things, nothing is law breaking but it feels like she thinks I’m a creep and that’s what is hurting me.

    what’s hurting her is the simple fact she read it and as visualized it, and part of me says well can’t you visualize me doing it with you?  I won’t do the things I’ve written, I don’t care what we do, but I feel like you are not bothered about it at all and I’ve just got used to it, both of us have and that’s the way it’s been.  We had great fun having a baby, but since then, no real reason to do it, so I feel like well she doesn’t find me attractive and enjoy thoughts in my had, none of them harmful.  I said there’s sometimes just some specific parts about people or women I like that would make a man think about them but not a whole package.

    What I know I’ve done wrong is leave my diary out for her to see.  I knew it was on the bunker and didn’t think she would read it, but she caught a glimpse.  So I know what she is saying, that I haven’t protected her from that.