Goodness I feel awful today! Over the last 18 months I’ve had panicky moments that don’t last longer than a day or so maybe a couple of days but my thoughts and anxiety are manageable. But I am in the middle of a pretty nasty spike which I am doing my best to not let get the better of me.
I had my smear test recently and it came back as me having to go in for further tests and also that I have HPV…which I didn’t know about. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years and we have both been faithful and so I must have had it for years.
So now I am having a multitude of intrusive thoughts bombarding me… you must have other STDs and yoh are hurting your boyfriend…you must have cheated on your boyfriend and just tricked yourself into thinking you didn’t…you are going to die of cervical cancer… you are dirty…you are disgusting…you are worthless…you don’t deserve your boyfriend….blah blah blah.
Anyway up untill last night I had completely forgotten what it was like at night just as your falling asleep and the thoughts are SO loud and then a panic attack starts up my brain goes…well you can’t wake him up he has work early don’t you think you have done enough damage…he doesnt want to be bothered by this he doesn’t even want to be with you now it is just out of feeling of duty. Oh and then brain is like this isn’t OCD this is your real thoughts and you need to really get on in there and work everyone of these thoughts out for them to go away!
Well that was a good rant and I know there probably won’t be anyone who reads this but if there is anyone who has gotten this far….please reach out.
Has this happened to you? Am I a loony?
