Please help, I don’t know what to do

[Random girlParticipant]

So a couple years ago I had an OCD theme about thinking I was a sociopath/psychopath, and I got over it but just today it started coming back 10x stronger. Lately I’ve had problems with my self confidence and personality in general, pretty much I’ve always been shy and awkward in public and I always think “what should I say?” Or “what am I supposed to say?” And I try to be like other people Instead of just being myself bc I’m scared everyone will hate me. So now idk what my personality really is anymore and everything I say I have to overthink in my head, so even if it is a natural thought it doesn’t feel natural after overthinking it before and after I say it. Now I’m scared that I don’t naturally have feelings or emotions and that’s why I have to overthink what I’m “supposed” to say. Like if I acted naturally and relaxed would I feel emotions at all? Is my whole personality superficial? I don’t think I have any other symptoms of being a psychopath tho, I looked up symptoms and it said stealing, lying, being violent, being a narcissist, and hurting animals/people were some of the main things, and it pretty much described the complete opposite of me but then I started trying to find proof that any of these are true. I thought of how when I was little I would kill bugs sometimes, and my cousin, my sister, and I put salt on a snail once(but if I remember correctly I think I felt bad about that)but I don’t think I’ve ever thought about hurting animals, once I even threw my stuffed animal and felt bad and had to apologize to it. I’ve had some violent thoughts before but I think they were only caused by OCD, for example “what if I stab my mom, or myself?” Or when I heard about all the people dying of COVID I thought “oh well there’s too many people anyways” and after I thought that I felt weird, I couldn’t tell if it was a though I actually thought or if it was just an intrusive thought, but I definitely don’t want to be thinking stuff like that. Or sometimes I just start thinking rude things about people, even people I like for no reason and I hate it, I think like “am I just pretending to like them and really don’t care about them at all?”. A couple years ago when I was last worrying about this, every time I thought about it I would freak out and cry and think I don’t want to be a psychopath, but this time I tried not to freak out about the thoughts so now I’m kinda scared why they didn’t bother me too much, it almost feels as if I don’t care, but I obviously do or else I wouldn’t be writing this. But I’m scared, what if every emotion I’ve felt I felt only cause I thought I was supposed to? Like have I ever genuinely felt love? Or do I tell my family I love them just cause that’s what I’m supposed to do? I’m just so scared, I really just want to be a normal person who doesn’t want to hurt anyone, feels emotions like everyone else, and know 100% wether my violent thoughts are real or just intrusive OCD thoughts

[Author]

Posts