I’m feeling really stuck here guys. I’ve been dealing with ocd for a long while now, and I got triggered again recently. A few days back, I was looking through posts my friend made when I saw one that said “If you have thoughts about yourself being the opposite gender, then you’re not cis”. Then at that moment I felt my stomach sink. I started thinking to myself “am I ok with my gender, am I alright with being a girl?” I would constantly check myself to see if I liked being perceived as female and not male or anything else. My friend knows I have OCD, but when I told them about this theme they said that I must be trans in denial. They refuse to understand that things like tocd and ocd exist and think that they’re just people in denial of their gender identities. Now I’m worried that what if they are right and that I am just denying it by just saying its ocd? I have looked at the difference between gender dysphoria and trans themed ocd, and while I do relate more with ocd, I still get doubts that say “but what if its actually dysphoria?” I’ve taken many quizzes and every time it says I don’t have signs of being trans, yet I get doubts that say “what if you didn’t answer truthfully?” And then I get scared and do it all again. Also I have gotten into the habit of trying to make my workspace more symmetrical, because I get extremely uncomfortable when they aren’t and thoughts like “If you don’t fix it, that means you’ll become trans”. I’m not sure how I convinced myself for this to be the case, but it just happened and I can’t stop. I will get caught up in ruminating about my gender identity, but then when I look at myself in the mirror, I feel relief because I want to see myself as a girl. I like my body and I am fine with being perceived as female. Whenever I ask myself if I’d want to be male, I think about it and I say no. But then I get this sick feeling of anxiety in my stomach at the thought of “what if”. What if I don’t like being female? How do I know that I am a girl and not just a trans boy in deep denial? I have nobody to talk to about this because 1. my parents are transphobic and I don’t want to be taught transphobic rhetoric since I consider myself an ally, and 2. Most of my friends are trans yet don’t fully understand how ocd works, and I’m afraid they’ll misinterpret what I’m going through (or what I hope I’m going through)
