I am really finding it impossible now

[Anon35Participant]

I take painkillers, not for to get high, but initially for pain.  Only once a day to be honest but I look forward to taking them at the end of the day, because it gives me a sense of calm, helps me feel settled and takes away most muscle pain.  I don’t feel I over do it, I take small doses of the weakest that are legal to take.  Terrified in general of drugs so don’t feel concerned.

 

However I still feel utter shame when I think ” I can’t want to chill out tonight and take my pain relief, watch a movie ” then the panic sets in, and I mean pure fear and panic that feels like I am about to scream in actual terror, it’s heart breaking.  I all of a sudden now have this reaction to that?  I mean I look forward to eating a McDonald’s and get excited, it having a drink when I do have one which is rare, or playing a game, but totally consumed by what the world thinks that it doesn’t actually matter what I think, I just feel intense utter shame for it.

 

Along with shame and embarrassment for being on anti anxiety drugs for years due to my mental health, a drug I’m terrified I will get randomly no questions asked cut off, like a child who just stole sweets from the shop, shouted at and embarrassed.  I don’t think I’d survive without being able to take my be anti anxiety drugs when I need it, so I am living in fear.  I don’t need them all the time but I am do need them, it’s that simple, however the world will tell me I am wrong, not coping, put me down and I just do t want to care anymore.  I want to be confident to accept my life choices and understand I have made some good changes over the years so why am I doing this to myself?

 

I feel it’s become impossible to think anymore, to be me, I am just totally living in fear and I can’t get rid of it.  It’s like all the self help stuff I’ve done over the years is just a temporary fix, then it comes back hard and stronger than before.

 

I’m sure my my Dad doesn’t care that he looks forward to having a drink every single night, yet here I am feeling utterly fearful of being totally cut off drugs that have helped me for over ten years ( my anti anxiety )

 

I also know it doesn’t matter what I type, someone will tell me I am being bad and not coping, when I feel I am coping, surviving, just not all the time

 

Does anyone have any advice for such catastrophic thinking.  It doesn’t matter what self help I do, it only goes away once I’ve let it pass, It will pass but I get one thought of ” You’ll get cut off ” pure panic, fear and intense terror.  It’s on par if someone said ” your mum just died ” the terror is up there and why do I do this to myself?  Why cant I accept I might always need medication along with learning bee coping skills?

 

I don’t think I could life without my anti anxiety medication.  I can easily live without alcohol or anything else, but for quality of life I’m always going to need something.  I’m sure the whole world thinks that’s just dumb and I am silly, not being strong enough

 

 

 

 

 

[wannabefreeParticipant]

Hi there… There are herbal treatments available… Kalms, for instance, also st John’s Wort, and the Bach rescue remedies. They helped me hope for years…

[Forum Moderators]

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