I am a not a good man

[johna2Participant]

I reckon you may be overthinking all this. Try to relax. If you really were a bad person you wouldn’t worry as you do.

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

Hi Johna,

 

First I want to thank you for responding and engaging, that you are a good person for that.  I hope others find you’re advice and opinions helpful.

I suppose you’re right I can rest assured I’m not a bad person if I can care and understand my mistakes.  I just feel it’s back to worrying over it, and I now am stuck in the cycle of I did wrong, she will leave me and I can never forgive myself.  It is an unforgivable thing and that’s how my head is feeling.  I kind of don’t know how to put it into perspective without invalidating my wife.  I could say it wasn’t a big deal, it was a silly mistake and I was unhappy with my thoughts so tried to change them, I didn’t embrace them quite like how she may think.  That makes me feel like I am pushing aside her feelings as it would have hurt her more.  So I effectively get worried because I feel like a bad person who doesn’t deserve forgiveness.

 

She was out with me tonight and put a post on Facebook with us saying ” we are out for the night, and let the husband come out tonight “. I feel a tad sensitive to that but she says it’s a joke, and I said I know but why joke if you don’t mean it?  Is it just teasing or is it a passive aggressive way of saying I am boss and that’s it.  Maybe I could learn to accept such little jokes.  It’s quite a common joke among married couples, but I don’t quite know it even understand if I am over sensitive and it’s ok to have a bit of fun.  She never tells me what to do in all honesty, I don’t think she’s ever in her life told me I can’t do something.

 

Plus when she is drunk she sometimes makes little comments like ” Gary no one is listening to you and smiles, and I say no don’t say that, not cool, aw it’s a joke is what I get, but she says it’s always a joke and I think I never say things like that when I’m pissed.  I told her when we got home it’s disrespectful and she says it’s just teasing Gary, and I say yeah but I have had to make changes and feel terrible for how I hurt you, you’re hurting me by poking fun at me when your drunk.

 

To be fair I said I will take it with a pinch of salt as I’m sure it’s harmless.  It’s not like it goes with her bossing me around, maybe people just know I am easy wound up so that’s why it happens.

 

My problem is, I am not witty enough to respond.

 

I feel I am stuck in mind set of ” I am wrong, I am the problem ” which then leads to me thinking my wife and others think badly of me.

I did respond to her saying ” you are very lucky having a husband who is tidy and drives to parties when other husband’s don’t make the effort ”

 

Her work friend said ” yeah I’d be grateful for a husband like you ” and my wife instantly agreed so I would in my own like to think she felt threatened as if others think that, then maybe she’s being a bit unfair.  I was surprised she actually said ” that’s very true ”

 

But she always has sarcastic remarks about things and says ” I am soooooo lucky you have a great husband ”  when we are maybe arguing but she isn’t actually emotional enough to outright tell me ” you are a good husband and you don’t need to be, you chose to be ”

 

I think over the years I have become far more sensitive as in our earlier years of dating and marriage I didn’t really care or require compliments or reassurance so it’s partly on me too.

 

Any advice on that?  Do you understand what I am saying?

 

[wannabefreeParticipant]

I think I do. As a grandad who has been married over forty years now, I often playfully tear myself down, before others get a chance to do it to me, that way I have a certain amount of control over how I feel. (I just don’t care anymore!) My wife drives the car all of the time now, and I’m quite happy to let her, that way she complains to other motorists rather than me!

I just wonder for a moment. If the tables were turned… What would be the situation then?

I say that, because my wife is terrible in traffic! I have to look away… She even argues with the sat-nav! But we all take it in good heart! We just laugh about it afterwards, cos I’m not a very good driver myself either. (It’s actually her car anyway…)

I watch a lot of comedy films and programmes to keep my funny bones rattling, laugh, and the world laughs with you, so to speak…

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipant]

Basically I’ve been to hell and back several times, and mostly my life is a joke, so I just have a giggle, and the stress goes away. Do you ever tease her? She’d probably love you to, and the making up is wonderful…

Wannabe

[johna2Participant]

Hi Anon, I was a little uncertain as to your meaning. I’m not always 100% with it. ?

I’m pleased wannabee continued the conversation.

Hope you are doing OK.

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

Hi wannabe.  I don’t usually tease my wife and when I do I am bad at it.  I think taking myself less seriously would help.  I’ll try and do that as it may be the answer to feeling upset when my wife says things that she thinks is not upsetting but I find annoying.

I just keep on feeling guilt, shame and fear over past events or future events.  It’s like trauma in the past vs flash forwards and it’s so hard.  I have the health visitor tomorrow for our two year old and I can’t feel excited about it.  It’s not like it’s normal nerves, IRS full on panic for me which isn’t a way to live.  I keep thinking ” what if she asks me about my mental health, and says because I have history of anxiety I need to be monitored with my parenting, they are going to be suspicious of me ” and it makes me feel anger and hate towards people who are otherwise good people.  I used to drink more than I’d have liked when my daughter was born, I cut down quite a bit and now only drink about twice a week, but in my head I am thinking ” she knows, she has noted this, and she will question and quiz me on my life style and have no choice but to get child services involved.  What if she knows what medication I am on and thinks ” this is not right, this man is not a good person ”

Its really hard and makes me feel really poorly to be honest.  I can’t seem to feel peace from my past and get images of me in the past when I felt I was a bit more problematic.  Fear, terror and guilt with every feeling, as if I am constantly feeling judged.

I sometimes feel sad even thinking about it, because I am such a good Dad, I changed completely and take my responsibility seriously, which is something I didn’t even think I could do.  I was scared to be a Dad because of these worries, and went ahead with it anyway knowing I had a great wife who would be there with me and I am glad I did.  I think I feel sad when I think back because I was dealing with my own worries and maybe feel guilt that I wasn’t appreciating my amazing baby.  I sometimes feel I was never there and often feel that way to be honest.

I really just want to maybe close this thread with some sort of plan going forward as even with therapy it never completely heals me and I come back to the same worries.

 

When I was a kid or going adult I didn’t care about any of these things, now I’m the opposite, so it is all relative to how I suppose react to every thought and every feeling.

 

Thanks jona, I hope you are ok, I am thankful yous respond and hopefully one day I’ll have the courage to offer others advice, as when i do think of giving advice as in sure I do have advice as I’ve achieved many great things even with this debilitating condition, the fear of letting go and helping is like I am accepting I am cured if that makes sense.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[wannabefreeParticipant]

Hiya, because we belittle ourselves so much, maybe we give negative things more importance than they deserve. I don’t honestly think any parent is gonna be perfect, mine certainly weren’t, but by going through that, I figured out how not to be a bad Dad. We all end up learning by trial and error, and not just for childcare. We are all beautifully Human and fallible. We all have strengths and weaknesses, that actually determine our strengths, which in an ideal society, are entwineable. Just like individual specialities that make up a good  team. None of us is trained in, or perfect at everything, or most of us would be redundant. It is a good idea not to try and look into life quite so deeply…

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipant]

But, I am a good man/woman, same as you… We just care a little too much, that’s all…

Come to think of it, if every one in the world was a conscientious as we are, the world would be a far better place, wouldn’t it?  Absolutely. 🙂

Wannabe

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

Update.  This has been going fine.  I still get times such as right now that I feel the shame and guilt but I think my wife has forgiven me.  I will always feel bad for hurting her but I still shame myself.  I don’t know why sometimes I feel attraction to work colleagues, I don’t even know why the girl in question I would have thoughts about.  Its not her looks, so I keep trying to understand why.

I was speaking with her today, I like being around women who give me the time of day, I think that’s maybe where it comes from, but I am thinking like a normal straight man would.  I also like talking to guys that I get on with, I just don’t think about them, that’s the only difference that makes me so uncomfortable.

 

I have just been trying my best to keep distance and when I feel I am being unfair then just move away.  Just don’t want to live that way either, dont want to feel shame.

I still wish my wife was more intimate with me.  She still doesn’t like to talk and I’ve brought it up and asked why, says she does but not what I say, and I just talk normally, I said it doesn’t matter to me but she shouldn’t feel nervous talking about it and it’s either she doesn’t feel attracted to me or doesn’t like it.  She said none the above

[wannabefreeParticipant]

Hi there, I tend to think along the lines of, Men will never fully understand women, and likewise Women will never fully understand men. It’s just the way things are…  It’s what makes life interesting and hopefully, fun.

Wannabe

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[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

Hello, I want to talk about this again.  Me and my wife have been doing great, and she seems to have got over this, however I am now back feeling the shame, the panic when she said ” she found out ”

I remember when I was younger and my friends found my transexual dtuff and destroyed me for it, they humiliated me and publicly shamed me, which I have just finished therapy and realized it wasn’t my fault, but that same panic and shame stays with me.  It’s what I feel similar to how I feel about this, not good at feeling the panic and fear and letting it go.  This was different as my wife didn’t shame me, she actually went down the route of she understands but doesn’t like it, but that initial panic, still feel it like it’s happened.  My wife must have had such mad panic and fear as well, but I focus on it, I obsess on it and live in the trauma.

I even seen this video on [Moderator comment: please don’t include the source of disturbing media and/ or enough details so other users can search for it], and I seen one about a man who is a tried, and basically made a minor do unbelievably disgusting things via what ever media outlet he was using.  Absolutely disgusting and his wife sat there while he put his hand on her leg and she let him.  He sat there as if he had just done something morally wrong and not horrific, and then it’s got my OCD into over drive where it’s now telling me ” that’s you, how do you know one day you won’t do what he did?  He found it OK, one day you will too and then I literally live in that moment, I am living as if I am that person and they is truly heartbreaking.  It brings back thus fear of being exposed back in the day by my friends, and I think that’s why I feel this fear.  Does anyone have advice on how to life with ” what if worries ” or looking back at trauma without this feeling, or maybe even learning to live with the feelings?

As I say, me and my wife have been doing really well, one major argument but we really sorted things out, having more and I am way happier and I know she is too.  Well I wanted to check in with her tonight and talk about these things and one of our things we agreed on was to check in with one another and talk, and she has been doing this way more.

Plus talking about the trauma and my frnds who bullied me, shamed me has been great as now I am not that ashamed anymore about it and know I did nothing wrong

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

Well hello people who replied to this thread.  It’s been like a year, wow.  Me and my wife are still together and we worked on things.  She was fine with my fantasies just shocked and didn’t want to ever know them.  We started being more Intimate and things were great.  I would say we are getting on like we used to but we still lack intimacy and it’s hard for both of us to be honest.  However we are making a point of being more affectionate going forward.

 

Anyway, so I still work with this women who was described in the post and still occasionally fantasize about her because well she’s attractive and that’s the way it is I can’t change that.  However today, my actual boss says to me ” she definitely has a crush on you ” which has really messed with my head.  I was kind of panicked like ” no I don’t want to know that, I don’t even need to know that ” so I asked how he knew and he just says ” I know these things with a smug smile on his face and walks out ”

I like my new boss, but for a married man with OCD I’m not sure I want to know this.  It creates all these obsessive thoughts of ” what if I can now pursue this, what if she will want me to pursue this, doors open , go ahead and do it ” that idea is absolutely terrifying, I am scared because I was content knowing my fantasies were in my head but where on earth does someone find that out?  He was likely joking or what ever else but I cannot have that kind of rumor going around, I think it’s nice to know someone fancies you, better than thinking your a big huge mess right?

 

However, I think ahead and cannot seem to put it on perspective that it means I must do something.  Infact I am actually kind of now inclined to not talk much to her because I absolutely don’t want her to think I may feel the same way, because sexually???  Yes please if I was single, but romantically, not a chance, her personality is not that of my wife’s, she is not my wife.

So I am obsessing and thinking about every single possible scenario under the sign, living in the future that I will infact act on this known new information, or that I will let down my guard and be the type of guy who cheats.

My wife is on a night out tonight and if she comes home horny that’s fine, maybe some dude got her turned on, but she was looking gorgeous tonight and it’s in these moments when I know that’s all I ever need.  We have a date night every Saturday which has been good, but need to spice it up a bit, all we see is one another in jammies and half ass tired from parenting.  She even said to me the other day that she thinks I’m more attractive now than when we first met, so why ob earth would I want to hurt her, I know I wouldn’t and that comment really made me happy, it instantly rises self esteem.  She’s says I’ve aged very well or something.

 

Don’t really know how to handle this, because emy OCD is just telling me ” I must find out if she has a crush on me, I must know so that I can prove to myself I won’t cheat, so I must know ”

 

It’s actually a pretty stupid thing for a person to say, so im assuming it’s a joke and I should let it slide past.  She’s leaving her job in two weeks anyway, so I likely will never communicate with her again, so that’s fine.

 

I generally feel like I’ve had some sort of affair lol and I haven’t even text this women outside of work, engaged with her outside of work or even remotely tried to make it clear I would infact want her.  Hearing the crush thing, has absolutely ruined my brain, because I only want to look, I have never wanted to touch, and I haven’t so I should at least give myself some credit right?

[johna2Participant]

If this woman has a thing for you and you fancy her, then that is just a fact over which you have no control. Dont be hard on yourself. We are all horny little animals at the end of the day. But we are also rational and pragmatic, and we know, hopefully, what is in our best interests and those of other people. Dont bash yourself for thoughts, and don’t worry that you will do stuff you really don’t want to do.

Your wife sounds quite understanding. I think you are lucky to have a good woman. I’d focus on her if I were you. You know that the “other woman” would probably screw up your life. Is it worth it?

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